Results

[Quote of the post] If love is the answer, could you please repeat the question?
[Song of the post] Stick to the Status Quo - High School Musical
[Site of the post] High School Musical Soundtrack

I hate exams. So do you, I bet. But probably not for the same reasons.

Examinations exist to test your knowledge, your learning. After three months, six months, one year, they give you a test to see if you learnt what they taught and to see if all that time and money was wasted. They measure, they test, they examine, they give you a score at the end. A two-digit number, three if you're really good, and one if you're really really unlucky. And then that's it. They're cast in stone and can't ever change and they'll haunt you for the rest of your life.

Where is the logic in that. All you see are the results of the marking. All the marker sees are the results of your year's education. He or she checks if you're wrong or right, decrees it with the mighty red pen of Gandalf the Grey (You shall not pass!) then throws your script aside, casting around for the next one. They don't see your thoughts. They don't see the processes you went through. The examiner isn't in the exam room to see you jump with delight that you actually understoon the Chinese comprehension passage. He's not there to notice you feverishly scribbling down graph answers five minutes to the end of the exam. She doesn't know that you never noticed the change in question on the board. They don't see the changes you go through as you live the semester. All they see are your essays, which they judge, then get back to their lives. Every teacher says that it's the process, not the results, that matter. What you go through and learn is more important than what your marks are. Then why judge us on a test, on results. Judge us on our processes, look at what we go through the entire year, see how we change, how we learn, how we develop. Not set an essay to see if we've remembered what you've taught us.

I got 14/25 for Lang Arts. Do you know the feeling of total disappointment, when your hopes are so high they come crashing down all over your ears and bury you up to your neck? When you're supposed to be really good in something, but a test result comes back to prove that you aren't? Honestly, I didn't really expect to score really high for this subject, but x_x After Mr. Wong told me (jokingly) beforehand that, "You got 14!" [which was the class average] and after that says, "No lah, you didn't get 14." Oh yay, I thought. Maybe I got 15. Or even 16. Maybe... then BLAM. FOURTEEN.

What's the use of written commentary anyway. To teach us to understand and identify how the author makes use of certain literary devices to convey across a universal theme... for what? It's not like anybody listens anyway. You have all these authors and writers and novelists who write and write and have a subtle message in their writing, and all these literature scholars find it and know how the authors use it and... don't do anything about it. The world isn't becoming better. No-one's learning life-changing lessons from books anymore. People are even beginning to fear them, fear works of fiction, because that people might think they are true...

Chinese was a miserable 51. At least I just passed. A lot of people failed. x_x But at least this time I understood the passage. I enjoyed reading it. I was laughing through it because I (thought I) could answer questions I normally couldn't. That's what the examiner never sees. Lovely, wonderful 51.

IHS: 11.5/15 (the second interpretation was a limitation, mind you). Geog: 35.5/50 (50 marks is 100 points in 60 minutes. Impossible. Yet Zhang got 42.). C Math: 95/100 (the whole class got around there). A Math: 81/100 (THANK YOU MR NG IF IT WASN'T FOR YOU IT'D PROBABLY BE A LOT WORSE). Physics: 57/70 (Could've been 58 if it weren't for those stupid arrows and a 60 if it weren't for me mixing up vertically and horizontally. x_x) Chem: 59/70 (stupid ammonia NH3 not NH4). All in all a 75.25% average.

I hate marks. When all your best friends get higher than you, it hurts. It hurts more when your best friends get lower than you. Knowing that I beat my best friend doesn't give me any satisfaction. It hurts. It hurts more than knowing your best friend beat you. Beat you at something you were supposed to be really good at.

Lang Arts IOPs for term 3: 24/30; highest, shared with Shaun. Boey and Isaac got the same. IOPs was a complete fiasco, come to think of it. On one hand, I'm really happy that our (Shaun and my) presentation worked fantasticably (no that's not a typo), but on the other hand I feel horrigible that I probably messed up some people's IOP marks. How can you be so good at something it becomes bad. Thank you Mr Wong for praising me, but in that context it was more like the worse insult someone can ever throw at me. Words cut deep. Feelings cut deeper.

I don't seem to be much help to anyone, do I? Even when I'm just trying to do my best and have fun, you get people coming in to judge your actions. Maybe I should just run away. Keep away from everybody else. I'd probably die, but at least you won't get pulled down with me too.

Pre-holiday Post-exam

[Quote of the post] I thought you needed someone qualified to sign a death warrant. Now they just get teachers to do it.
[Song of the post] True Colours - Cyndi Lauper

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small

But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

-----

Yay, exams are over. Boo, results are coming back. Dontcha just love these mixed-feeling situations?

Oh well. I won't go into a detailed study of my examination processes... like Ron Weasly wisely says, "...we're not going through them afterwards, it's bad enough doing them once." Needless to say I performed horrifically badly. I think. Core Math was okay (I don't want sir to leave. Ever.) and... er... that's about it. Everything else was, is, and is going to be, a tragic failure. Waah. Results will be back by Friday. I'm worried, even though I know you can only die once.

I haven't blogged for such a long time, yet I seem at a loss of what to say. I just love True Colours... How can you say something when there are no words to express it? I just read this weird Chinese passage, saying something about having secrets is good, that it helps build character (that's what I could make out of it, and I'm telling you my Chinese isn't that good). How can you keep a secret when it keeps burning inside you and corroding your heart and eating away at your very existence?

Why do people make notes in bulleted, point form? Monochrome, pictureless, boring. Make notes which are memorable, and have fun making them! What's the use of spending 3 hours painstakingly typing out notes in nice, neat, monochromatic typeface when you can spend twice the time colouring, drawing and overall-making your notes something which you can remember and visualize in the exam and have four times the fun in the process. I just don't get it.

Today during IHS was this lesson on British Culture. That teacher, Mr Peter Davies if I'm not wrong, is an excellent lecturer, except for the fact that he's British, so a) his accent is too strong and people can't understand his jokes; b) his jokes are all quite 'British' in a sense and nobody quite understands them even if they heard them anyway. But he's good. Very good. And the clips of the British comedy; those were hilarious too. But then we hit this little snag.

I was laughing. A lot. I found British humour to be hilarious. Apparently I was laughing too much, for people kept shooting glances at me with confused, bewildered looks. Not many of them were laughing the way I was. Not many of them understood many of the jokes; not many of them could hear through the strong British accents. It's not a nice feeling to be alone; worse so when you're alone in a crowd of people whom you know. Yet you're experiencing something different; they must be missing out on something; or maybe it's you who's the one missing something. I don't feel special that I could catch most of the jokes; I don't feel special explainging jokes to my friends; the laughter is there for a moment, then it is gone. Jokes weren't meant to last. They're like drugs. They get you high for fifteen minutes then you realize, hey, I'm not happy. I'm laughing. It's different.

I don't know what to do about being different. I mean, all the books tell you to be different, enjoy being special, unique, same is boring, etc. etc. But they never say anything about being different means being alone, being special means being apart, being unique means being displaced. People don't know how to react to you when you're different; when you don't experience the same things you feel left out, and you feel like you're mashing a round peg into a square hole: sure it'll fit but it won't go in smoothly.

I don't know whether it's good to be a Literature student. I'm rereading Order of the Phoenix and I keep seeing parallels with Harry's and my life. (Not to mention that he's also fifteen in this book.) I don't know whether it's my paranoid literature ability or just Rowling's superb writing skill. And just so you know, she is a excellent writer, from a Lit student POV? You can use her work for Literary text if it weren't for the magic thing. And in Mission Impossible III? There's this part on the helicopter where the agent has a neuro-detonator thingy implanted into her skull? Ethan Hunt wanted to use a defilbirator to short-circuit the charge. But it was charging up and counting down. So at every second it would beep. The charge got detonated with 2 seconds to go. I don't know if it was intentional, but the beepings sounded like those life-support machines. When it was ready (and she was dead), it emitted those long beeeeeeeps, exactly like that of a dead person attached to a life-support machine reader. It's scary. I don't think many people noticed this.

Oh my. This actually turned out the be a long, angsty post. Oh well. There's something about Riddle's diary and a feeling of being unclean, but we'll leave it as that for today.

Kevnotes

[Quote of the post] Knowledge is Power. Power corrupts. Study hard; be evil. -Jarrel
[Song of the post] Ride On - Final Fantasy VIII

This story Uncle Edna is a comment on the disadvantages of critical literary analysis required for written commentaries. The author effectively uses irony in the life of a young teenage boy to show that the ability to perceive what others usually don't is dangerous.

The comment made by his teacher totally supports this fact. "'It's like we're cursed,' he said. 'When my friend and I go to listen to choirs, we can hear all the off-keys, all the slip notes... in the same way, when you read a passage, you have to break it into pieces in your head... analyse it... won't be able to just enjoy it or read it for entertainment...'". This shows that once you have the ability to analyse something critically, all the bad points start showing up, and it prevents you from enjoying it further.

Furthermore, this point is further elaborated when Uncle Edna is leaving the library with his friends. He tries to explain that when you start analysing a person, trying to think what he is thinking about, trying to understand his feelings, you begin to "see" everything about that person. For emotions and thoughts and character, these are all non-superficial qualities, and thus the analyst has to assume some of them. And because of Uncle Edna's character, he assumes the worst, just in case. It is this quality of his, combined with his poor communication skills, and the relectance to worry other people with things that they don't need to worry about, that results in his point not getting across.

Ironically, he also utilizes this skill upon himself. In double comic irony, the text you are reading now is actually another "critical analysis" on a person's character, namely, Uncle Edna himself. The author skillfully uses bombastic language and vague pronouns at this point to confuse the reader further. Also note that the author already is confused beyond any doubt.

In conclusion, through the use of Uncle Edna, the author conveys the message that total perception is a "curse" which not many can handle.

-----
Finished studying Language Arts halfway today. Still got 8 stories left. I really hope Second Opinion doesn't come out.

And I'm halfway through Core Math as well. Argh. I'm so inefficient. I need to wake up earlier tomorrow. I need to draw quadratic curves more nicely.

Level 1: All's Black

Bleh... I don't have time to have Quotes or Songs nowadays.

I case you're wondering, the title's from The Wicked, an online puzzle game which Zhang introduced me to but I haven't got the time or HTML knowledge to get past level 2.

It's been another sleepless week, with me falling asleep while doing Chinese homework twice now, and the bus driver's really angry at me because I keep coming late. I have stuff to say but I won't say it here because it's too angsty and it's already in my diary so. And yeah, I now have a diary, where I can store anything I want to say that's too dangerous or too angsty to put here. Problem is, Zhang keeps trying to get his hands on it.

Weekly shooting training has started, and it's very time consuming. Coupled with NP Day training at least twice a week, that's three days out of five I'm staying back for something I dislike. Have you noticed that every CCA in our school has to be competitive or provide service to the school, or it won't exist? In the US they have all sorts of hobby clubs and societies... but here, all they have is Gold-medal winners. Stupid meritocracy.

Something else. I've noticed that whenever I'm good at something I like, I usually get banned from it, but when I'm good in something I hate, I get more of it dumped on me. I like performing, but two days ago Mr Wong banned me from acting in anymore IOPs because I apparently "overshadowed" the other presenters. I kinda knew that too, but I just wanted to do my best, y'know? That's why I didn't ham it up so much with Jason's performace - I tried to downplay it a bit. Hope I didn't ruin anybody's marks.

I like contributing in class, but Mr Wong said, "Not you again, you've talked too much already...!" Admittedly, that was last term, when he was trying to have other people contribute so that he could give them good comments for their term reports. Shouldn't contributing and sharing ideas be more important than a nice-looking term report? Stupid meritocracy.

I hate UYO. But of course, I had to get 88/90 for Classification shoot. And now I'm down every Tuesday for shooting practice one and a half hours from my house. And NP Day training, quite believably, stretches all the way to exam day, because, you kow why? NP Day is 5th of May, which is, oh my gosh!, Chinese exam! So I'll be stuck in my ****** uniform for 6 hours doing Chinese exam.

Life's just weird; you hope against hope that it will get better, but the general trend has declining so far, and with a scientist's mind, it con only be concluded that it will get worse. I want to be like KW; I want to be like Zhang; I want to hope, to dream, to be happy. But, duh, I never get what I want.

Psychiatric Ward 1E

I've finally lost it. Broke down. Gone mental.

I got home at 9 today. Nine. I missed dinner. It was cold. I had cold supper.

My feet hurt. My arms hurt. My abs hurt. My brain hurts. I just came back from Rugby B Div finals an hour ago.

Each day I life through school I hate NS a little bit more. There are enough stories from my parents and everyone else; I don't want to live it 4 years before I have to.

Anyway, B Div lost. RI (not the school; someone else) blames the Prefects for not cheering enough. That's what I think anyway. What would you think would happen if we won? "Oh, yay, cheering was done well, even though you had small manpower, we still managed to win. Yay." It's probably some small subconscious part of the mind that's pushing the blame of defeat onto the Prefects.

And it's not like we didn't do anything. We didn't do cheering well because we couldn't do cheering well. RI doesn't seem to understand that. He just keeps telling Pei-Yi to stop giving excuses. Furthermore, all the excuses he gave seemed very valid to me. They couldn't stand up because the policemen there didn't let them. They were short of manpower. They had to cheer facing away from the audience, sitting down. Nobody was allowed to disperse among the student body.

That's not the irritating part. RI and AT (another person) both gave us talks. They said exactly the same thing. But RI's just gave me a worse impression of him, and AT's one made me respect him a little bit more.

They said exactly the same thing. Same content. RI was lecturing us. Scolding us. Not inspiring. Scolding. The fact that he said "I don't mean to be condescending" shows that he knows that he is being condescending. AT's talk was how much more acceptable.

RI: All of us sitting down in rows while he stood at the front to lecture.
AT: He asked us to huddle around him.
RI: Lectured. Tone of voice was teacher-like.
AT: Talked. Tone of voice was friendly.
RI: Ordered us to improve.
AT: Praised us first, then encouraged us to improve.

I know that everyone is different and that everyone has his own style of doing things. RI's is army-style. AT's is a better style; I don't think it has a name.

So because of our dismayal cheering, we had to stay back until 7.30pm. We made our way to the front gate, and the guard standing there says we couldn't catch a cab there because taxis weren't allowed to stop there. Okay, fair enough; we'll take the bus. It get's caught in a traffic jam on the PIE and we get to the station at 8pm. It takes 40mins to get to Toa Payoh station and another 30 to get home.

And yay, when I get home, my mom tells me to "not show me this tired face. It's like you're angry at me". And then I basically collapsed entirely. I started laughing. Laughing maniacally. Tears started streaming down my face. But I was laughing. I couldn't stop. My abs hurt. But I couldn't stop. I laughed and cried for 20 mins.

And I miss American Idol and they were doing Queen songs. My stupid Singtel connection is horribly laggy even though it's a 100MB/sec Wireless Broadband. I've three projects due next week, OM Nationals on Saturday, two church invites (Juz and Mr Wong) and I've to get a haircut and new shoes. Stripes is a great help, but the only problem is that he doesn't talk to me.

Thanks Shaun, Xi Min and Darren for keeping me company. :)

Consequences of Overwork

[Quote of the post] You wouldn't want to walk a mile in my shoes. They're too dirty.
[Song of the post] So Happy Together - Purple Alert

There once was a young man who went away to another country for a long time to study. He was out of touch with his parents and friends for four years. When he finally graduated he made a phone call back home.

"Hello? Mum? Dad?"

"Son! You've graduated! Oh, this is wonderful! You'll be coming home now?"

"Yes, but before I do, I need to ask you a favour."

"Go on, son, anything for our university graduate."

"I have a friend here. Can I bring him home as well?"

"Yes, of course."

"There's something else. He's not what you would call the best person in the world. He's lost in his own fantasy world, cynical, sarcastic, and doesn't help out much. I want him to stay with us."

"What? Dear, how did you make friends with that sort of person? We can't have that sort of person living in our house! Forget him, and come home."

The young man hung up, and made another phone call to his friends.

"Hi! Long time no see! How are you!"

"Good. Listen, I have a favour to ask."

"Wait, this calls for a celebration! When you get back, come over and we'll throw you a big party!"

"Great, great... but I need to ask you something. I have a friend here, and I want to bring him over."

"Why, by all means! A friend of yours is a friend of ours!"

"But I have to tell you something. He's depressed and overworked underneath, but he shows a positive exterior. He helps people not because he means it, but because it's the right thing to do. He's two-faced, cynical, and confused. I want to introduce him to you."

"Huh? Your friend sounds like a real troublemaker! What type of person is that? Come home, lah, forget about this 'friend', and we'll celebrate like there's no tomorrow!"

"There might not be," said the young man, and hung up.

Two days later, the body of the young man was lying at the bottom of a cliff. His family and friends were called over to identify the body. "Yes, that's him," they said over snuffled sobs.

"We think it was suicide," the police said. "Did he say anything to you before this?"

"Nothing, only that he had a friend that he wanted to bring back home."

But... he never had any friends," a teacher from the university the young man studied at was at the scene as well. "He never had any friends. Everytime I saw him, he was always by himself."

-----

There once was a soldier who returned from the Vietnam War. He made a call from his camp in San Francisco to his hometown in Chicago.

"Hello? Mum and dad?"

"Hey son! You're back from the war! How's things?"

"I'll be coming home soon, dad. But I need to ask you a favour."

"Go ahead, son!"

"I made a friend here. I want to bring him home with me."

"That's fine with me, son."

"There's something else. He's lost an arm and a leg. I want him to live with us."

"No, son, we can't do that. We can invite him in for a short time, but we can't support him forever. Do you know how hassling it will be to take care of a handicap in our house? Come home, son, forget about him, he'll find his own piece of heaven somewhere else." The soldier hung up.

Two days later, they found the body of the soldier at the foot of a building. The police suspected suicide. His parents were called in to identify the body.

They did. But the soldier only had one arm and one leg.

3 Killed in Crane Disaster

A crane and its 185-tonne load collapsed at 10am yesterday morning, killing 3 people, including the supervisor's uncle. The supervisor's relatives now blame him for sending his uncle to his death.

"If I supervised your father at work and something happened to him, who would you blame? The first thing they would ask is, 'my father worked for you, why didn't you take care of him?' Now that he's gone, how do you explain?"

"I wanted to tell them that I did not cause his death. That's why I'm here. It was an industrial accident. No one knew the accident would happen."

"I want to use my heart to try to explain to his family. I am his nephew and his supervisor.
"I sent the best man for the job."

"One doesn't only cry for his mother and father. I have known him for over 30 years. He's my partner at work.
"This morning, we were joking, now he is dead. You can't have him back. Do you understand?"

"He doesn't smoke. He doesn't drink. He didn't even have to work. He works hard, and goes home for dinner everyday. How can a good man die so young? All his children are married. He didn't even have to work and could have retired. He was just passing time."

-Taken from I Didn't Send Him To Die, The New Paper, 5th April 2006.

March ado about nothing

[Quote of the post] No matter how hard I fight I won't get stronger, I get pumped on the road and my hands just bleed x_x –SZ, MSN nickname
[Song of the post]When You Believe – Prince of Egypt Soundtrack

Uniformed Youth Organizations. Why do we do it? Some people like them: Herrick, Darrell, BB people, Mong; but the majority of us does not. So why do we do it?

If I’m not wrong, Dr Ong is emphasizing more and more on UYOs now. Increased budget for NPCC, instillation of importance in NCC (Air)… there’s no doubt about it.

And students only go through with this because they are forced to. The fascinating thing about our meritocratic society is that it is very for the government to get students (and indirectly, parents) to do things which the government wants. “Torturous training? Oh no, it develops character and leadership in our students and trains them to become officers of tomorrow. Oh by the way, did I mention there’ll be CCA points as well?

Another barrier is the discipline system. Another great thing about the crime-prevention system is that it hinges more towards the punishment than the reward method. So students crawl their way through the trainings, knowing that anything they do will probably result in demerit points, and poof goes the chances of CCA points.

And so the students go through it week after week, training after training of drills, push-ups, strenuous activities that are supposed to test your mind and body but in reality waste your time and leave you to die.

No matter how hard I fight I won't get stronger, I get pumped on the road and my hands just bleed. –SZ

I’ll probably never understand the army system until I experience it for real. This cheap substitute in school called UYO, it’s nothing compared to real NS. But more and more of it is creeping into the school system. If I remember correctly, someone in high authority (can’t really remember who) said something along the lines of “Act first, ask later” during one of the morning devotions.

All these organizations are supposed to be, well, organized. But what I hate about all the groups and organizations is their lack of organization. Everyone in a position of power seems to want to waste the time away so they don’t have to do anything. There doesn’t appear to be any sense of doing the duty that was assigned. UYO doesn’t have to start half as early if the NCOs didn’t waste almost 45 minutes for admin. Prefect meetings wouldn’t cut into duty time if the meeting started promptly at the stated time. Half the activities and most of the rules in UYO make no sense. It seems like the army system favours organization to time, because when you’re organized you save time. Not for the case of the individual.

I really liked SZ’s line. I don’t know why, I just do. I'm sick of UYO, I'm sick that we can't do anything about it, I'm sick of losing 4 hours of my life every Friday, and usually more during the rest of the week.

If you get there before I do

[Quote of the post] "There is good, and there is evil. But the line between them can be almost impossible to find." -Robin, Teen Titans
[Song of the post] Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton

Life is so fragile. And I'm not talking about the newspaper.

Our school's estate manager just passed away yesterday. The cause of death as of now is still uncertain. He has two kids, still in school. Dr. Ong plans to set up a fund for them. Our IHS teacher said he was a modest, humble, dedicated man. Dr. Ong praised him in the same way.

Life is so fragile.

Coincidentally, I was thinking about death yesterday as well. I was deciding on whether I should use death as a topic for my Chinese project. I was going to ask questions like, What would you feel if your friend suddenly died? What if he was murdered? If he committed suicide? (I finally decided against it because my Chinese teacher may think I'm suicidal and send me for counseling.)

Are you freaked out? I'm freaking myself out. I'm thinking of death way too much. It's not a good sign. I even had a dream ab0ut it. Definitely not good.

What would happen if one of my best friends suddenly... died? I don't think I'll be able to take it. But I fear that I wouldn't remember them for who they were. What would happen if I suddenly just dropped dead? I don't think it'll have major impact on anyone's lives. What if I suddenly just... ceased to exist? What would people remember of me? Would I be remembered as the angsty, sullen, detached teenager, or the cheerful, punny author of TNN? Or as a son, a brother, a friend?

It doesn't matter. After a few months, people would have gotten over it. The deceased would just become a memory. People would get on with their lives, make do without you.

I don't know if a Speaker for the Dead would be a good idea. I admire the concept in all fascination, but I don't know if it will work in real life.

I'm not afriad of many physical things. But I fear many abstract ones, death among them. In all the stories you read, they keep telling you not to fear death. But here I am.

What am I talking about. Even I'm confused now. Whatever it is, don't die on me. Not now. I wouldn't be able to take it.

Thank you!

Hey! I think it would be best if I thanked everyone by name! I didn't want to at first because I thought some people might feel left out. But then all the well-wishers and gift-givers wouldn't be given justice. So here's all the birthday stuff I received as of March 17th!

Cake: Zhang Quan, Herrick, Jeremy, Boey, Jason, Daniel, Sufen
Singing birthday song at max volume in public place: Kuang Kai, Joel, Basil, Zhang Quan, Kevin Wong, Jeremy, Boey, Daniel, Michael, Hsieh Wen, Darrell, David Crawshaw
Sharing cake: Kuang Kai, Joel, Basil, Zhang Quan, Kevin Wong, Jeremy, Boey, Daniel, Michael, Hsieh Wen, Darrell, David Crawshaw, Ms Audrey Tay, Ms Ong, Jotham, Hanspreet
Presents: Kevin Wong, Zhang Quan, Boey, Shaun, Jason, Mr Ferdinand Quek
Wishers: Kuang Kai, Joel, Basil, Zhang Quan, Kevin Wong, Jeremy, Boey, Daniel, Michael, Hsieh Wen, Darrell, David Crawshaw, Jarrel, Juztin, Cleon, Jian Xiang, Xi Min, Jun Yi, Gideon, Isaac, Weihua, Sam Teo, Peter, Shaun, Russell, Bryan Ong, Seng Wei, Sufen, Rachel, Jotham, Hanspreet, Ms Audrey Tay, Ms Ong, Mr Ferdinand Quek, practically everyone who went for MEW, and specifically Hern Hern 'cos she contacted me on MSN. XD
Dinner: Mom and Dad

Thanks everyone for making my birthday special!

Boing boing boing!

[Quote of the post] I'd do anything
[Song of the post] Happy Birthday Radio
[Site of the post] My Personal Dna Report

Booyah! It’s my birthday! Was, anyway. Sorry this is three days late; I’ve been out most of the nights.

Whee! This is my bestest birthday I’ve had as far as I can remember! Big whooping thanks to everyone who gave me presents, thanks to everyone who chipped in for the cake, and thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday, in advance, belated or otherwise!

I’ve just been so happy ever since Tuesday; I’ve been bouncing all over the place and thinking happy thoughts… It’s nice to confirm that there are people out there who know and care for and appreciate and love me... ^~^

Boing! I’m gonna blog about the entire day so I can remember it forever and ever! Boing!

K, it started out late at night at 12a.m. in school in room 406 in my sleeping bag when I was half-dead from a full day of NCO Camp. Everybody was sleeping, so I just wished myself and rolled over and slept.

In the middle of the night the NCOs gave their first present – Fire Drill. They hammered a big metal cylinder in the middle of the night and we had to rush down four storeys and stand there shivering in the chill night air… first present of the day! Oh yeah, my rifle got stolen in the middle of the night, but that doesn’t count.

Yay, then wake up in the morning at 4:45a.m. for PT! Running and running around and around the track in more freezing night air and more blister-inducing pull-ups! So many presents! I could die from the sheer amount! Almost did too!

Yeah, and Mr Andrew Wong actually gave me a birthday gift without realizing it. He let me go off for MEW! Yay!

WHEE HAPPY THOUGHTS HAPPY THOUGHTS HAPPY THOUGHTS

So I fall asleep in the taxi due to lack of sleep the night before because of fire drill and trying to guard my rifle and 5BX. Then I get to Dunman high! And the taxi driver unwittingly gives me a present; he gives me 10 cents off! I know it’s not much, but hey, HAPPY THOUGHTS!

Yay, so when I get to Dunman, Zhang gives me a present! Yay! And Boey gives me one too, and he did it in the exact same way he gave the chocolates to Long, Haha! I don’t really mind lah… it was funny! Kev gave me a present too!

And so MEW went on, and it was really fun! I knew so quite some people there, and the problems were so much more interesting than the previous year’s. Yeah, but it was fun wandering around and checking out all the groups and the puzzles… Daniel was checking out the group members, but never mind. Yeah, and I volunteered to help out in one of the brainteaser activities! The teacher, I think he’s a cross between Mr Joseph Wong and Simon Cowell. Ms Tay says he’s an ex-ACS boy, so it’s no wonder then. And then there was this genius from Raffles I think, he solved most of the questions in like, 20 seconds? He massively pwned the competition; his group scored 120 points while others only scored like 40 or so. The only problem is that he acts a bit weirdly… okay, very weirdly. But that’s the way geniuses are, I guess.

Then before I left for MEW Zhang suddenly grabbed me in the canteen and started steering me towards the back. It was so sudden and so shocking, I was stunned for a moment. Then he steered me around the corner and there’s like a big cake from who-knows-where-it-came-from! It was really nice, with a yellow cat on the top and cream all over! Zhang said a lot of people chipped in for the cake, so thanks a lot guys! And girl. XD

Then, Kuang and Joel had this crazy idea to sing the birthday song out at the top of their voices! So it was like the whole canteen was echoing with the voices of ACS MEW Sec 3 GEP singing… eeps, I was so embarrassed. Yup, but the cake was really nice – pure chocolate! It was shared out among lots of people, including the teachers and some of my other friends. I was so happy and surprised! I was like, bouncy for the rest of the day!

After that I had to go for NPCC Dry Practice Shooting back in school, and had to miss the MEW concurrent sessions. But after that I was released home! Yay!

After that, my parents brought me out for dinner at the Japanese restaurant across the street. The food was nice, but not my personal favourite, but it was okay lah! I still enjoyed it, and after I got home there was MORE CAKE! It looked quite promising with a full coating of chocolate fudge, but inside there were cherry bits. Oh well. It was still really good! There’s still a bit left in the fridge, and I haven’t been eating it since I haven’t really been home the past few days.

K, then I opened all my presents, and they were really cool! There’s like lots of stuff which I really really like! Thanks KW, Zhang, Boey and Mr Quek, because I only opened your card on that day!

That’s it for my birthday; my 周记 is only going to be until here.

MEW Day 2 was a blast! Meeting at the Esplanade in the morning, having lunch at Burger King, getting sunburn at the Merlion… the Math Trail was really fun! There’s a whole bunch of people I know… it’s so fun being a Station Master! You get to help the teams, give them hints, deny them answers, make jokes… it’s so nice to hear other people laugh! KW was being biased towards his group.

Oh, and there’s the Drink Stall Incident with Basil and Joel which is so funny I think it’s gonna be remembered forever and ever, especially by Michael.

K, so Basil, Joel, Kev and I were are the Merlion, and we were dying of thirst because we ran out of water. The drinks at the Merlion itself cost $1.50 a can and it was too expensive so we sent Basil and Joel to go find cheaper drinks somewhere else. (Sarah bought drinks for her entire team. O_o)

Yeah, so anyway, when they came back, they said they went to some far away place… I can’t remember the exact name, something that starts with a C and has something to do with ocean… Clifford Pier, if I’m not wrong (and I probably am). So they bought their drinks and were leaving when the shopkeeper asked them something.

Shopkeeper: Are you friends?

Basil and Joel: Umm… yeah…

Shopkeeper: Are you boyfriends?

B&J: Umm… no…

Shopkeeper: You know what boyfriends means, right? *wink wink*

O_O

Scary, but hilarious.

Then after we explained the questions we went to Boey’s house for his birthday party two weeks in advance. His actual day is March 30th, but he says that his function room is booked on that day already so he’s bringing it forward. XD Yay, more fun, more laughs, MORE CAKE! And more Pokemon cards; Kev brought his and Russell learnt how to play and it was all so fun!

And today FPS was also really fun! I kept coming up with weird solutions and Daniel kept slamming his head on the table… And Mr Azmi is very interesting! When we went for lunch, he started talking about a whole bunch of random stuff, making puns and weird references… XD He kept saying that everyone had a girlfriend and stuff and basically made us laugh so much! Haha!

It’s been a great three days and HAPPY THOUGHTS so I should be like this for a while more, so…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I hate you... why oh.

[Quote of the post] I am not saying that we should be cynical. Life is dreary and almost insufferable without a bit of naive fantasizing. But as quickly as we learn that we can't jump out of the window and expect to fly like superman just because we have a blanket for a cape, we should learn that happy endings in real life never look like anything we see in the movies. -Mr. Ferdinand Quek, his email signature.
[Song of the post] I'm Just A Kid - Simple Plan

Read out the title of this post, then it'll make sense.

NPCC Service Day on Friday was another waste of 2 hours. Why? Let me see...

1. Nobody's home on a Friday afternoon. They're all at work.
2. Half the houses have eviction notices on them.
3. People think we're bothering them.
4. Of the people who actually answer the door, half don't speak English.
5. They already know what you're telling them.

What fun. And still NPCC HQ forces people to trample around their school neighbourhood to irritate people on a lazy Friday afternoon. And they make it compulsory. What fun.

I've got NCO camp over the next few days. Luckily I get to miss most of the stuff on my birthday.

I just don't get army logic. It seems to be aiming for order, which brings about efficiency and effectiveness, but most of the time they're wasting time.

Zhang's latest post is vagely angsty. Whee. He seems to be going through the same confusion as me. I don't know; he says that he doesn't blog all his feelings, but as far as I can tell I've got even more confusion than him. Let's put it this way: everywhere areound you you have people telling you not to bottle up your feelings, not to keep it in or you'll explode. Then you go blog about it, and then you have other people telling you that it's a cry for attention. Sigh.

There's a lot more layers to this ogre, but I have to sleep soon and I'm afraid it would be deemed as a cry for attention. So goodnight, and you're welcome to take the fun that I won't be having.

Letter from Prison

Hey old friend,

I haven’t seen you in a long time. How have you been? I missed you. Do you remember me? Sorry I couldn’t write earlier; they didn’t let me have pencil and paper for a long time.

I don’t know why I’m writing this letter. I guess after twenty years of solitary confinement, I’ve had some time to sort out my thoughts a bit.

You’re probably wondering why I’m locked up here in the first place. They say it’s to protect me from myself. I think it was to protect me from other people. My mental health has degraded since I first came. And now I’m more alone than ever.

Did you come to visit? No one has visited me for twenty years. Did they turn you away at the door, telling you that I could not be around human contact for my own safety? I know a few people visited the other prisoners; they never let me see anyone.

How did I become like this? I’m sick of psychoanalyzing myself; it’s what put me here in the first place. There are enough people trying to pry into my mental processes without my help. But I hoped one of my old friends would know.

Do you remember me? I remember you. I have been playing my life through my head over and over again, like a tape, trying to find out where I went wrong. Remember secondary school? We used to talk and laugh and learn together. I tried to talk to you, but our interests were never the same. We could talk, but not in the way the gamers or anime-lovers did.

So I tried to create my own interest group. Remember TNN? It was my pet project. I poured my very being into that story, tried to make it good, tried to make it worthy of being an interest. But still I was at a loss. There was no relationship between the author and the reader. There was nothing to talk about; nothing to say. And it died out soon after when homework – remember the homework? – swamped it over crushed it into little tiny pieces.

I took on a different approach. I tried to improve myself, tried to do better in my studies. We were both in the same school, same class; it could possibly be another “interest group”. I bettered myself, and in doing so, my way of thinking changed. Even then, my plan backfired. Where I scored exceedingly well you did not, and where I failed you succeeded. Everybody’s different. I realize it now.

Do you remember the P.E. lessons? How they made us run 3km around the school? You were always ahead of me, always in the lead. I knew my stamina was not up to scratch, so I resolved to improve myself in that area as well. If I could have something in common with you, then maybe we’d understand each other.

But in doing so I lost track of the fun. My mind was so focused on the goal that I did not stop to take a laugh now and then. I grew sullen as each failure passed. I withdrew myself; I resented communication; I hid myself. So here I am: locked up in solitary for the rest of my life.

I don’t know what made me write this letter. I think I feel better to see it, to have a tangible record of my feelings, rather than to have it whirl around in my head and knocking another drop of happiness out every time it hits home.

You don’t have to reply to this letter. They might not let it through anyway. I just want you to know that I’m sorry for being who I am.

Love,

Uncle Edna
Psychiatric Ward 1E
Singapore Institute of Mental Health

Suicide is not an option

[Quote of the post] The ribbon on my wrist says do not open before Christmas.
[Song of the post] You Had a Bad Day - Daniel Powter

I am beginning to have doubts about the value system in my school.

Disclaimer: this post is not meant to spite or flame or degrade my school in any way. I'm just complaining about stuff. Don't bring the Sedation Law down on my neck.

Two things. Firstly, this morning, our principal announces that the board of governors have decided to "use the correct term" for the branding of our school name. Instead of being just "AC", it has to be the full "ACS". "So the Drama Club cannot be called ACDC but ACSDC and the AC Prefectorial Board must be renamed the ACS Prefectorial Board." He gave us two weeks.

First, why does our school have branding. Yes, I know it's an independent school so it can't get government funding. But marketing the name of the school? What's next, merchandising? Get the William Oldham Action Figure - an ACS Inc. Product!

Second, sure, okay, it shouldn't be just AC; it should be ACS. But isn't drastically changing names just to conform to that a bit drastic? I mean, for further references or brand names we use ACS, but can't we just stick with what we have? Which sounds better, ACDC or ACSDC? It totally loses its rhyming scheme. If it's not broken, don't fix it.

On a side note, MPac has to become like, MPacs. Zhang says it sounds plural.

Incident number two. All the NPCC teachers are like, "Come for NPCC Service Day because it is important if we want to be a Gold unit," and "Your Dry Practice is important because if you don't go for your two practices you can't go for your classification shoot and we need a certain percentage to get points for out unit." Okay, so we, as cadets, are coming up for training, just so that NPCC Land can get the Gold award for UOPA. Like WTH? So we are just coming for points. We're just here so that you can get Gold and then next year when the slide comes out with all the UYO awards NPCC Land won't be a Silver.

That's not the point of UYO is it? All this while, I've been living through two years of incomprehensible torture, unexplainable pain, and I keep telling myself that it's for my own good, I'm going for all this because it's for my own good. Then all of a sudden, "You need to come so that we can get Gold." I don't know how to describe it. It's like... I'm not coming so that you can make me a better person, I'm coming so that you can show your face in public, that you are not in charge of a Silver unit.

Sigh.

Anyways. I'm really depressed because there seems to be lots more UYO stuff this year. I've got to miss lessons again and stay until 6 on Monday because NP NPCC (must follow school branding rules) Land is in charge of duty for Track and Field heats. Then AGAIN on the finals. I have to miss SL meeting this Friday because of NPCC Service day. This is another brainless time-waster; when I went in Sec 1 and rang people's doorbells, they just ignored us because they thought we were salesmen. Seriously, if you see a bunch of kids outside your house in police uniform, would you let them in to let them tell you about house safety? Ironic, isn't it?

Then there's NCO camp over my birthday. 13th, 14th and 15th. 13th I was going to replace Daniel for the Chinese compo camp thing. BLAM NCO CAMP DRY PRACTICE IS IMPORTANT (refer to above). 14th and 15th I have MEW. BLAM NCO CAMP DRY PRACTICE IS IMPORTANT. Now Daniel has to find another replacement, I possibly have to miss out MEW and have target practice on my birthday.

As Mr Quek says, why are we so multi-talented. There's so many things you have to do, so many pebbles you have to change to golf balls, so much sand you have to change to pebbles, that even the coffee can't be poured in.

I've been working on this post and managing 7 chat convos for about 1 1/2 hours and listening to Jarrel explain some stuff to me and I have totally forgotten about my Chinese homework. Will have to go do it now. OEP blogs tomorrow night. I promise.

You Had a Bad Day

[Quote of the post] Is this the me I want to be Is this the me you want me to be
[Song of the post] You Had a Bad Day – Daniel Powter

http://www.minibite.com/heartache/loveaintenough.htm
Now, I don't want to lose you
But I don't want to use you
Just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you
But I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you,
But I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
There beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.
Oh, Oh, Oh, No

Yay. Another angsty period. Whee. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but oh wells. I cried already (yes, again).

“I think he suffered from mood swings, personally; I’m not a psychiatrist, but – you let me know when I’m rambling!” – B.E.N., Treasure Planet

Everybody changes, though not all for the better. I’m changing. It’s quite obvious. People are remarking it in class. Juzzie says I never used to laugh this way before. Seng Wei asked me today, “How did you laugh before?” Through my laughter, and my actions, people can see the obvious character change. I think I mentioned this before, in a way earlier post. How my behaviour is beginning to reflect some of my friends’. How I shift from one personality type to another while I switch conversation partners.

And Juzzie asked me about my perception that I had no close friends. After thinking a bit, I said it had to do with loyalty; by switching from personality type to personality type, it reflects a very… dishonest character. And by having so many friends, I can’t be loyal to all of them at the same time. I keep switching who I help so much that I become unreliable.

I’m kinda like Iswaran. Yes, I know I’m comparing to Malgudi Days again. But I’ll explain this later. I’m like Iswaran in the beginning of the story, where he acted like a “desperado”, while inside he was nervous and insecure. I try to keep a smile when I’m in school, but when I get home I shrink into a ball and my self-analyses keep tearing me apart.

Obviously I hate this part of me. Obviously you hate it too. But, weirdly, it has come to help me in my studies (I think). I recently scored quite well in a Language Arts essay (you want to know my real marks, you can come look for me). And for almost all the subjects, I’m doing pretty okay. I think all this critical thinking is improving my mental capability, allowing me to write commentaries better, allowing me to see connections that aren’t there, allowing me to understand concepts in a shorter time.

Another way this “poser” behaviour has reflected in real life was this Tuesday, when I helped a Year 1 guy carry his tablet PC upstairs. I don’t know; this is something I originally though Gideon would naturally do, but I did it anyway. Ironically, I met Gid when I was half-way there, and he started stalking me. Yeah.

So is this the real me? The person tries to help but in many ways needs help himself? The person who is surrounded by friends, yet feels lonely? The confused boy who huddles in the corner of his bed and cries himself to sleep?

Dang. It’s all my fault. It’s always my fault.

I don’t want to know so much. Why do I know so much. I know that some people will read this post and go like, “WTH this guy has a wonderful life and all he does is complain.” Demel will probably make some random comment about me being his third test subject. KW and Zhang and Shaun will try to cheer me up. JY will probably make some random comment which has something to do with KW taking over the world. And Gid will just go, “wth jy so random”.

I can’t take it anymore. It feels like I’m gonna cave in (pun not intended) with all this mental degradation and form a gloop. Whoever said Ignorance is Bliss knew what they were talking about. And it doesn’t help when you have Orson Scott Card and Jarrel agreeing that “Humanity does not ask us to be happy… humanity asks us to be brilliant on its behalf, and then happiness if we can manage it.”

Grah.

Anyway, on a happier and more humourous note, my MSN nickname currently has [Stripes Birthday Countdown: 12 Days!] in it. And here’s the responses from all the 3.9 people who have so far asked me about it:

™©®†§‡½¤»Dar: when is stripes birthday?
™©®†§‡½¤»Dar: issnt that the march hols countdown?

KW: Isn't it you who's born in 13 days, not Stripes? XD
Me: Yes...!
Me: But it's not Stripes's Birthday Countdown...!
KW: Then why's it say 'Stripes Birthday Countdown'?

sengwei-{whe: what do u mean by "stripes birthday" o_0

hoblet.blogs: since when did stripes have a birthday.

dannyboy: whose bdae
dannyboy: : urs? Me: Yes Me: Not Stripes's. XD

hitsuhina!<3:>

Lol, I definitely remember more people asking me about this. Oh well. BTW if you’re wondering what’s wrong, it’s not Stripes’s Birthday Countdown. The “’s” makes a whole lot of difference.

On a sadder and more **** note, I have UYO tomorrow. Probably the only unit which is having UYO tomorrow. And it they said it’s going to be games. Which means it’s not going to be fun. Which means four-and-a-half hours of pure time-wasting torture. Blah.

Will blog OEP over the weekend. KW finally took matters into his own hands and brought the entire stack of OEP files from the pigeon hole. Yay! Weekend, I promise. =)

Tattered and Torn

[Quote of the post] God won’t ask us how many friends we had. He’d ask us how many people to whom we’ve been a friend.
[Song of the post] Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough

What a tangled mess I live in.

There are three ways of interpreting exam results: Absolute, Relative, and Personal. Absolute is the mark itself, its value, whether it’s a pass mark or a fail grade, if it is a 97% or an F-. Relative is your score compared to everyone else’s in the class. You might have gotten a 42%, but if everyone else in class got around 40% – 45% then you don’t have much to worry about. Personal is dependent on your own goals, and whether your results fall short of your expectations or not.

Almost everyone assesses their assessment in this order: Absolute, Personal, then Relative. Say you’ve scored 33% when you expected to get at least a 60%. But then you realize that everyone else got 30% and below, so it’s not so bad. Absolute, Personal, Relative.

The problem occurs once your Personal mark doesn’t satisfy you, but your score greatly surpasses that of everyone else, relatively. And yet you still feel depressed because you could have done better. Maybe it’s because you don’t want to feel left out because you actually got a passing mark while everyone else failed, or maybe it’s because you tend value Personal above Relative, or maybe it’s humility. I dunno. But for people who are in the low ends of all three areas, it feels very self-depreciating and… grah.

Which, in a sense, is very pessimistic. By seeing only failures without seeming to pay attention to successes, it shows a very pessimistic personality. Either that or you push yourself too hard.

Anyways, I realize I’ve been doing the same thing. In viewing my life cynically, I miss out on all the good stuff. It’s kinda like inverse Gold 98FM advertisements, where you only hear the bad stuff. I keep formulating ideas in my mind which takes the worse possible outcome. I’m trying to steer myself away from this, but… it’s not easy.

Then there’s the scenario with KW. Basically we’re in the same MEW Question formulating group, but this weekend I was in one of this angsty-homework-clearing moods and I finished setting the questions and sent them to JK without consulting my partner. Then when he contacted me yesterday I was like, OMG I already sent them. I felt so… grah, like I always hated being left out then I go leave someone out. It’s like, crashing on my own ideals or something.

Then for GEP Camp electives, there's eleven subjects to choose from and I'm not particularly interested in any of them. So I'm going to choose Drama and I don't think there'll be anyone I know and Mr. Ferdi Quek is gonna go like, "Oh no, not you again!" when I step into his class. What fun.

And then today I forgot to get my OEP file. Again. Grah. I had to go the staff room, and I forgot. Grah.

It's been awhile.

[Quote of the post] "You said you'd be my friend, no matter what." -Terra, Teen Titans
[Song of the post] Lean on Me - Rockapella

Hi! Just realised that this is my 119th post. o_O The money should be pouring in soon...

Not much time, so this will be a short post.

Had a discussion with the Permanent Secretary of the MOE today, along with a whole bunch of GEP students from years 2 through 5. Hao Yi kept talking a lot, and Josh was referenced twice, but din't say anything. o_O He basically asked us about the GE programme, about the discrimination thing, about GEP social life, and if we could design our own GE programme, what it would be like, etc. The teachers were relatively quiet, but what was weird was that I knew every one of them. o_O

Workload has decreased slightly since I told Mr. Ng about the stress. Yay! But the 8 Days horoscope for Pisces warns me not to "be deceived by the belief that the work has decreased", or something to that effect. Urgh.

UYO tomorrow. I've been plonked back into the Founder's Day Marching Contingent. Bryan Zhao is getting very stressed. I got gloves!

Trying to be happier this past month. Started laughing more, keeping positive. Hope it can last. ^^

Uh, a parody of Collide by Howie Day.

One More Way to Die
The term is ending
But there's still work to do
You're hardly standing
But they pile more work on you
Yeah

I just can't take it
Breaking under pressure
I worry I won't see your face
Smile once again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the math that fills my mind
I somehow find
One more way to die

A test tomorrow
Fills you with great depression
And then there's UYO for four hours on end

Even the test will fail sometimes
Got things to to, juxt can't decide
And if your brain explodes on time
You somehow find
One more way to die

Don't stop there
Don't understand
I'm so confused

Remember your friends, your family
Hold onto them, they'll help you free
Out of the work that clouds your mind
I finally find
One way to survive

I finally find
One way to survive
I finally find
One way to survive

-----
Very scattered and short post, but it's because my brain has been on overwork for the past 6 weeks. I keep falling asleep on the bus and finding myself in Thomson. o_O

Gonna get my OEP file from the pigeon hole soon. Must keep reminding myself.

Bye!

Where is the Love

[Quote of the post] If you get there before I do
[Song of the post] You'll be in my Heart - Phil Collins, Tarzan

Untitled (Essay)
I open my eyes
I try to think but I'm blinded by the blank space
I can't remember how
I can't remember why
My mind is in a daze

And I can't take the stress
But it keeps coming everyday
Yes it's stealing recess

How could they test us today
I made my mistakes
No time; gotta run
The test goes on
As I'm failing away
I'm can't stand this strife
I just wanna scream
How could this happen today?

Everybody's screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
Just one last sentence sir
I gotta finish my graph
I wanna start this over again

So that I can pass
Into a grade that everyone's proud of
But I can't explain the answer
And I can't blanko the things that I've wrote
No I can't

How could this happen today
There should have been love
Instead we got tests
And a whole bunch
Of chemistry
And lots more homework
I just wanna know
Why did this happen today?

I ask you again
Where is the love?
The night's almost gone
And still nobody's said
The three special words
I just wanna love
Of all days, why Valentine's Day?

I'll be There for You

[Quote of the post] Your prison is walking through this world all alone.
[Song of the post] Desperado - Eagles

Eh... sorry I haven't been blogging for a while. Homework's been piling up so high that I'm afraid it might topple over and wash me away. I haven't even been writing TNN... Sorry if you thought was going to be a OEP post. Those will have to come later when I get back my file and my programme sheet. For now I'm just speaking my feelings again. Sigh.

I'm home an hour early because I had to go for a Campcraft competition briefing. That was a result of the two people who were supposed to go being absent. So I was volunteered to be a replacement. Sounds good, doesn't it? One less hour of UYO, plus no Campcraft training or drills. For most people it would be one of the best things that had ever happened.

Not for me. My body welcomed it; my physical health praised it. But my mind was screaming at me, my heart was hating it... Going all the way to Thomson to attend a briefing for a competition I didn't want to participate in the first place... have teammates which aren't all that... spectacular... having to plan, work, design all by yourself because everyone else slacks...

I swear, life is trying to drag me away from everything that matters to me. Homework cuts off TNN, thinking cuts off my happiness, and school cuts off my friends. You should have seen Juzzie's face when I went to say goodbye to him. He tried to look happy, smiling and all, but I think he was regretting that I had to go, that I wouldn't be a familiar face during the hours of Campcraft training.

There's something else that's cutting me away - myself. My gloomy face and dreary outlook is keeping people away. It's like everything goes in a whirlwind around me and I'm standing there in the middle of it all. Occasionally someone bumps into me, and we chat. But then they're off again, back into the vortex, spinning, whirling... if I try to get closer I may succeed for a while, then the topic changes to something I don't know, and I'm lost again... Know about Darwin's theory of evolution? When a species vanishes, other organisms evolve to take its place. It's happening right here. Gideon has moved out of my class, so I was changing to take his place. My actions, my character... laughing at things only I find funny, answering questions for Lit, being more vocal in class, clapping my hands when I laugh...

Can you be surrounded by friends and still be lonely? I find it hard to talk to people because I don't know the things they know. I know a bit about a lot of things; but I don't know everything about somehting... there's no common topic for long discussion... Demel can talk at length about GG and FF and games and anime and philosohpy with his social circle; Zhang has Japanese and anime and pop music; Boey has his group of friends; gamers, Christians, prefects, St. John's, music, philosophy, math, people who play DotA... I know a bit of each, understand the surface, touch upon slightly, but I don't know enough to understand, debate, converse. I belong everywhere; thus I don't belong anywhere. I'm not accepted, mostly just acknowledged, acquired. I can't even cling onto people I want to cling onto because I know what it's like to have someone cling onto you when you don't want him to.

Am I like Thannappa the postman, mingling with everyone, knowing everyone, an integral part of their lives, yet not crucial, just a friendly face, not belonging to any household but passing through just the same? Russ pointed out that Thannappa was slightly conformist as he went from house to house. Aren't I like that? When I'm talking to someone, some people will come up and tap me on the shoulder repeatedly, not caring about the other person at all. I'd be rude to the person I was talking to if I turned away, yet I'll be rude to the person requesting me because I didn't acknowledge him. And usually when I switch from person to person, the subject changes entirely. I could be talking about quantum metaphysics to the left, and I turn to listen to a lame pun on the right. I don't know if I'm the only one who noticed this, but Thannappa seems to value his friends more that his job. He said it was okay to complain, it was okay if he was dismissed from his job. But I did it to keep you happy. I carry your burden to keep you happy for the longest possible time.

You don't have to read all this. This is as much a diary as it is a public voice. Talking to myself in my head has made me like this; talking to Stripes isn't much better - he listens exceptionally well but he doesn't say anything. OEP memories will probably follow this one, below this post. Those would be happier, since they were happier memories.

Vietnam OEP 2006 Part VII: If

[Quote of the post] "Every job is a portrait of the person who does it. Autograph your work with excellence."
[Song of the post] If - Bread
[Site of the post] http://www.smickandsmodoo.com/lyrics/if.htm

Today was our last OEP day. And today I finally managed to get Stripes and Pink on Kev's bed without him knowing. Lol! He woke up with Stripes in his face. Hee hee!

Okay, so after that we went to the Gia Dinh Special School for Intellectually Disabled Children. It was 3.9 and 3.17 the IB classes. Someone said it was ironic, sending the GEPs to this school instead of the handicapped children orphanage, but I think it's because we're smart enough to understand how to treat this kids. They were actually quite nice; they performed some traditional Vietnamese dance, and we performed our last-minute dance thing. And it was so fun! One of the smaller children actually came up on stage and tried dancing along with us! He was so cute! I don't know why 3.17 didn't do anything.

But Isaac was a genius. I think ie's because he lives with his younger siblings; that's how he does it. He put a sweet in each hand - the sweets we were meant to give out that we bought the day before - yeah, and he played the guessing game with some of the children. He was giving away the sweets, but in the most ingenius way I ever could imagine.

Oh, and I participated in the sack-race telematch thing which was quite fun also. I was trying hard not to win; but I won anyway. Oh well. But the kids there really loved music. They were singing and dancing so very enthusiastically; more than some people with normal working brains. It was just so... ah, words fail me.

After that, we headed to the Historical Museum, which held ancient Vietnamese artifacts from the 600s. I think they were rushing for time, because we only went halfway, up to about the 1000s, when we went to see the Water Puppet Show. It was really nice, but a bit ramshackle, with paint peeling off the puppets and some body parts literally hanging by a thread. But it was really nice, and quite well performed. They were in sync most of the time, and it was darn funny how they tried to catch fish by headbutting the water. XD

We had a bit of free time before lunch, so they let us roam Diamond Shopping Centre. It wasn't as big as Taka or J8 or Plaza Singapura, but it had an arcade on the top floor, and that's where everybody went. But I stuck with KW and Boey and got a box of Merci chocolates for Long, as a thank-you and farewell present. Oh, and we bought these shaker-fries thingy that you could pour cheese powder in and it tasted real good!

Then we went to the Le Quy Don School, and performed again, although this time it was a bit less polished. Ah well. Then they sang a couple of songs for us and played some sports with them: badminton and basketball. We got owned in both. A bunch of people, I won't say who, heard that there were some girls going around asking us for our email address, and went looking for them. Sigh.

But Mr Quek sang If during our visit. The first verse anyway. And, remember? I heard it on the radio on the way to the airport. It was so... coincidental and funny! And sir's voice is seriously very good. He managed to sing the whole verse, even though he said he had trouble remembering lyrics.

Anyway, here's the lyrics for If. The link at the top of this post brings you to a page with lyrics and a MIDI, so you can listen. I just love this song.

If - Bread
If a picture paints a thousand words
Then why can't I paint you
The words will never show
The you I've come to know
If a face could launch a thousand ships
Then where am I to go
There's no one home but you
You're all that's left me too
And when my love for life is running dry
You come and pour yourself on me

If a man could be two places at one time
I'd be with you
Tomorrow and today, beside you all the way
If the world should stop revolving
Spinning slowly down to die
I'd spend the end with you
And when the world was through
Then one by one the stars would all go out
Then you and I would simply fly away

Nice song, right?

Anyway, after that we took a picture (which reminds me - must get pics from all my classmates) with some of the students from the school, then headed back to the hotel for the final farewell dinner.

There's something about that dinner that stuck with me. Maybe it's the fact that KW went in his sleep clothes. Maybe it's because the queue for food was miles long and people actually lined up for dessert first. Maybe it's because there were five people who had birthdays over the week. Maybe it's because it was the last supper, and the OEP would be over the next day.

Well, the food was good (I can only say it was worth the time it took lining up for it) and after the plates cleared, there was some last minute reflections and stuff where Mr. Lim randomly picked people to say stuff about the trip. Mostly politically-correct answers, so. Oh yeah, I was wearing my new orange cap; it was so cool. ^^

That night I tried finishing my Chinese worksheets; but then I changed my mind. I thought it would be better to spend the time with my friends instead. ^^

And end the last night!