Thursday, March 02, 2006

You Had a Bad Day

[Quote of the post] Is this the me I want to be Is this the me you want me to be
[Song of the post] You Had a Bad Day – Daniel Powter
Now, I don't want to lose you
But I don't want to use you
Just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you
But I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you,
But I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
There beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.
Oh, Oh, Oh, No

Yay. Another angsty period. Whee. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but oh wells. I cried already (yes, again).

“I think he suffered from mood swings, personally; I’m not a psychiatrist, but – you let me know when I’m rambling!” – B.E.N., Treasure Planet

Everybody changes, though not all for the better. I’m changing. It’s quite obvious. People are remarking it in class. Juzzie says I never used to laugh this way before. Seng Wei asked me today, “How did you laugh before?” Through my laughter, and my actions, people can see the obvious character change. I think I mentioned this before, in a way earlier post. How my behaviour is beginning to reflect some of my friends’. How I shift from one personality type to another while I switch conversation partners.

And Juzzie asked me about my perception that I had no close friends. After thinking a bit, I said it had to do with loyalty; by switching from personality type to personality type, it reflects a very… dishonest character. And by having so many friends, I can’t be loyal to all of them at the same time. I keep switching who I help so much that I become unreliable.

I’m kinda like Iswaran. Yes, I know I’m comparing to Malgudi Days again. But I’ll explain this later. I’m like Iswaran in the beginning of the story, where he acted like a “desperado”, while inside he was nervous and insecure. I try to keep a smile when I’m in school, but when I get home I shrink into a ball and my self-analyses keep tearing me apart.

Obviously I hate this part of me. Obviously you hate it too. But, weirdly, it has come to help me in my studies (I think). I recently scored quite well in a Language Arts essay (you want to know my real marks, you can come look for me). And for almost all the subjects, I’m doing pretty okay. I think all this critical thinking is improving my mental capability, allowing me to write commentaries better, allowing me to see connections that aren’t there, allowing me to understand concepts in a shorter time.

Another way this “poser” behaviour has reflected in real life was this Tuesday, when I helped a Year 1 guy carry his tablet PC upstairs. I don’t know; this is something I originally though Gideon would naturally do, but I did it anyway. Ironically, I met Gid when I was half-way there, and he started stalking me. Yeah.

So is this the real me? The person tries to help but in many ways needs help himself? The person who is surrounded by friends, yet feels lonely? The confused boy who huddles in the corner of his bed and cries himself to sleep?

Dang. It’s all my fault. It’s always my fault.

I don’t want to know so much. Why do I know so much. I know that some people will read this post and go like, “WTH this guy has a wonderful life and all he does is complain.” Demel will probably make some random comment about me being his third test subject. KW and Zhang and Shaun will try to cheer me up. JY will probably make some random comment which has something to do with KW taking over the world. And Gid will just go, “wth jy so random”.

I can’t take it anymore. It feels like I’m gonna cave in (pun not intended) with all this mental degradation and form a gloop. Whoever said Ignorance is Bliss knew what they were talking about. And it doesn’t help when you have Orson Scott Card and Jarrel agreeing that “Humanity does not ask us to be happy… humanity asks us to be brilliant on its behalf, and then happiness if we can manage it.”


Anyway, on a happier and more humourous note, my MSN nickname currently has [Stripes Birthday Countdown: 12 Days!] in it. And here’s the responses from all the 3.9 people who have so far asked me about it:

™©®†§‡½¤»Dar: when is stripes birthday?
™©®†§‡½¤»Dar: issnt that the march hols countdown?

KW: Isn't it you who's born in 13 days, not Stripes? XD
Me: Yes...!
Me: But it's not Stripes's Birthday Countdown...!
KW: Then why's it say 'Stripes Birthday Countdown'?

sengwei-{whe: what do u mean by "stripes birthday" o_0

hoblet.blogs: since when did stripes have a birthday.

dannyboy: whose bdae
dannyboy: : urs? Me: Yes Me: Not Stripes's. XD


Lol, I definitely remember more people asking me about this. Oh well. BTW if you’re wondering what’s wrong, it’s not Stripes’s Birthday Countdown. The “’s” makes a whole lot of difference.

On a sadder and more **** note, I have UYO tomorrow. Probably the only unit which is having UYO tomorrow. And it they said it’s going to be games. Which means it’s not going to be fun. Which means four-and-a-half hours of pure time-wasting torture. Blah.

Will blog OEP over the weekend. KW finally took matters into his own hands and brought the entire stack of OEP files from the pigeon hole. Yay! Weekend, I promise. =)

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