Monday, August 28, 2006


[Quote of the post] Cleave to no friend when friendship brings sadness.
[Song of the post] Just the Way You Are - Billy Joel

You promised you’d tell.

I know, but–

You promised!

I don’t want to anymore. It’s stupid.

No it’s not! Everybody’s always telling you, speak up, share your burden, it’s better if you let it all out and–

For what? So that they can waste their time thinking about me and my problems and then telling me things I want to hear?

It would be worse if you kept to yourself and made everyone else worry.

That is what everyone says.

Yes. No matter how much you tell them not to worry, they still will. That is because they’re your friends.

I know that they’re my friends, but am I friend to them? Who knows – what – how –

Peace. It seems that we have reached the heart of the matter. Now, calm down, and speak your mind.


Do you know what it’s like, to be… conscious… of everything?

Huh? What do you mean?

I’ve… I’ve mentioned it before. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like, knowing everything and feeling everything and thinking two million steps ahead and–

Woah, slow down. I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.

I told you, it’s hard to explain. It’s more like a feeling; a consciousness… the closest analogy I can think of is if you think your spouse is cheating on you…


…but multiplied a thousand times. Every time someone does something, or something happens, my brain kicks in, and it starts thinking, thinking, thinking… What caused this? What’s going to happen next? What will happen if I do this? Will it hurt anyone? I dunno; it is called being over-analytical? I know normal people don’t do this – at least not to the extent which I do – and it doesn’t help that I… I…


I wasn’t intending to tell you any of this you know. Maybe I shouldn’t have.

But you have already started; why not finish it?

Sigh… How much do you know about the future?

Not much, why?

Neither do I. And humans naturally fear what they do not know or understand.

So you’re saying you fear the unknown. What has that got to do with anything?

So I try to make things go my own way. I calculate, I plan, and because of the over-consciousness I mentioned earlier, I sorta like… know how it’s going to turn out, how people are going to act or think or feel. It’s stupid and it’s selfish, but it’s what my human instinct does to assure myself that I know what’s going to happen.

I… I see.

And, it’s so… so bad. I mean, I’m running away from my fears instead of confronting it; instead of facing the future I’m tweaking the circumstances so that I’m at least half sure of how it turns out. Why do I care so much? Why do I worry about the future? What can I do to make it stop…?

There is something more, I can tell.

I don’t know; I mean, all this calculation, all this planning, does it not make me cunning, sneaky, sly? If I had taken the wrong path back then, I would be a verydifferent person now! Think about it!

Yet you are not the person you speak of. You are not cunning or sneaky or sly. Calculative, yes, but that could be in a good way.

Yes, I know, but you don’t understand, the only thing keeping it in is my morality, and–

And that is good! Precisely: you have a morality, that is what sets you apart from–

You don’t understand. What if it’s gone? What if, suddenly, one day, my morality disappears? Will these inner demons spring loose? And however thick the morality barrier might be, do you know what it feels like? When you are trying to be good and kind and yet there are these monsters in your soul being suppressed by your willpower and morals… it feels like I’m living a lie! Like what I’m showing isn’t my true self…

You mean you want to have these bad things as your true self?

No…! I don’t… I can’t… they’re just there, and I can’t do anything to get rid of them; I mean, how do I know what to do?

Yet you are suppressing them; that is good enough. Even if those demons were your true self, why would you want to show them to the world?

Because I do not wish to lie! I have done it before; I am paying the consequences now; and I do not wish to do it again. My friends have the right to know; they have the right to know what is underneath, what I am capable of; so that they can make the choice of whether to be around me or not, knowing that I have the potential to hurt them.

But your morality restrains you. Is that not enough?

My will is weak. My soul is weak. If it breaks–

What if it doesn’t? What if you know how to behave properly with your friends?

I have told you: I don’t know. In every situation, in every choice, there are many possible outcomes; I choose to act on the worst possible, just in case.

You will never get far in life that way.

What does my life matter? It is of others, their life, their happiness… I am a volatile explosion of emotions; I would not risk being around people when I exude my sadness aura. If I make other people sad, then there is no reason to be around other people.

Then be happy, and make others happy.

And lie again?

Maybe… maybe you’re thinking too deeply into this whole situation.

No. No I’m very sure I’m not. I’m very sure, because… because…

Sunday, August 27, 2006

Bye Bye Pluto

Pluto, we hardly knew you
Dwarf planet's falling star proves downsizing is universal reality
- C.W. Nevius
Sunday, August 27, 2006

The recent news of the demotion of the planet Pluto to "dwarf planet" status took a lot of people by surprise. With the use of confidential sources, The Chronicle has been able to acquire the exclusive rights to the following correspondence. We feel it adds to the debate of this critical issue.

Memo: To Pluto

From: The Solar System

Subject: Demotion to dwarf planet status.

Dear Pluto:

Whew. This is a tough one. First, I just want you to know that we all feel terrible about this. I think I speak for us all -- Mars, Venus, the whole gang -- when I say you've been like a sun to us. Seriously.

Look, I can't say this is fair. It isn't. Downsizing is just a fact of life these days. It's universal. One minute you're on the "Children's Guide to the Solar System," and the next you're a black hole. Who knows how they make these calls at headquarters?

I do have to say, in all honesty, that there were some problems. A lot of it was just image stuff. We've talked about this before. Like, what makes Mercury so hot anyhow? It is hard to fight perceptions like that.

And, to be brutally honest, you probably could have done a better job with your presentation. There were times when you were seen as distant, aloof, even cold. Nobody saw you much. We ran in the same circles for years and years, but I don't think anybody really got to know you. It wasn't just your "eccentric orbit," you know. There were plenty of whispers that you were "way out there," or "too spacey."

As for the jokes, well, I don't think there was much you could do about that. "Hey look, isn't that Pluto? Out by Uranus?" How many times did we hear that one? No matter how many times we explained that Neptune is the planet next to you, it didn't matter. Sophomoric humor is a force that transcends astrophysics.

At the end of the day, I think we all realize that what it really comes down to is Earth. (I know, who made them the center of the universe?) Earth, with its big, gassy atmosphere and all those peeping pointy-headed scientists with their telescopes.

They act like they created planets. Hello? Big Bang? Ten billion years ago? Frankly, I don't get it. First they name us, then they take it away. For seventy-some years you were a planet. Now you're a "dwarf planet." What's next, changing your name to "Dopey"?

But there was a time, eh, when you were a star. Back in the 1930s, you were mysterious and theoretical. Astronomers on Earth stayed up nights thinking about you. They'd hang around the observatory, just hoping to catch a glimpse of you on a night when you were out with Neptune.

Remember the excitement when they finally saw you? There was all the talk about what your name should be. The New York Times got involved, suggesting Minerva, which sounds like a name for a new kitchen range. And then, an 11-year-old girl from England, Venetia Phair, suggested Pluto, and it stuck. (Personally, I'd say if anyone needed a new name it was Venetia Phair, but that's probably just solar snark.)

And all right, as it turned out, Pluto was probably not the most awe-inspiring choice. Jupiter gets to be the giant of the skies, and you turn out to be Mickey Mouse's dog. A bad break, no doubt about it.

Still, there was a window of opportunity there, a chance to make a name for yourself. And I'll be honest, you didn't do much to help matters. It seemed you were never available for photographs. And you projected a chilly, frigid atmosphere. It wasn't inviting, frankly.

The more they got to know you, the more there were doubts. They said you lacked "gravitas." The whisper campaign began. You were smaller than seven moons in the solar system, even -- and this was a killer -- Earth's moon.

I don't have to tell you how it all unraveled from there. There was sniping about your "oblong orbit." (Hey, we all accept the orbit we're given. It's a universal law.) A low point had to be when that big ball of ice, UB313, was put up for planethood in 2003. Hey, it's a solar system, not a Little League team. Not everybody gets to play, OK?

Yanking your planet status is a blow, no doubt about it. More than anything, I suppose, it is embarrassing. But you'll get over it. The sun will come up again in another 162 hours, just like always.

The good news is, you still have a chance to shine. Earth scientists say they are going ahead with the $700 million New Horizons spacecraft flyby. It is expected to pass you on July 14, 2015.

We're all pulling for you when that happens. We know that when they see you up close and in person they will understand that you are not some dwarf, or a "minor planet," but a key part of the solar system. We'd just say that you should always remember who you are and what we think of you.

You rock.

Seven Dwarfs speak out on Pluto saga

Los Angeles - Pluto may have been cast out to the darkest reaches of the Solar System but will always be a friend to the Seven Dwarfs.

The Walt Disney characters have issued a hard-hitting statement after the world's top astrononomical body decided on Thursday to relegate Pluto to the lowly status of a "dwarf planet".

School textbooks will have to be rewritten - and Mickey Mouse's faithful companion is said by Disney insiders to be anguished over the fate of his planetary namesake.

But the Seven Dwarfs are not taking it lying down.

"Although we think it's DOPEY that Pluto has been downgraded to a dwarf planet, which has made some people GRUMPY and others just SLEEPY, we are not BASHFUL in saying we would be HAPPY if Disney's Pluto would join us as an eighth dwarf," they insisted.

"We think this is just what the DOC ordered and is nothing to SNEEZE at."

Pluto the dog made his debut in 1930 - the same year that a 24-year-old American astronomer, Clyde Tombaugh, discovered what until now was called the ninth and outermost planet.

A white-gloved, yellow-shoed source close to Disney's top dog said: "I think the whole thing is goofy.

"Pluto has never been interested in astronomy before, other than maybe an occasional howl at the moon."

Mickey Mouse was unavailable for comment.


Spitz: Pluto blow has Scorpio seeing stars
By Julia Spitz/ Daily News columnist
Sunday, August 27, 2006

So an underperforming planet gets downsized.

Big deal.

It's a jungle out there, Pluto. You can't keep up with new demands, you get demoted and your job gets outsourced to other parts of the galaxy.

That's the way it works in the real world.

No, I wasn't shedding any tears over the dim orb's boot from the solar system when news of the ouster broke on Thursday.

If Pluto wasn't able to read the signs, like its underling moon Charon trying to take Pluto's place in the universe, well, the ice-ball deserved whatever stockholders, the International Astronomical Union general assembly in Prague, meted out. If management chose to dump Pluto and promote an asteroid like Ceres, well, it was no skin off my hide.

Then I read the front page of The Wall Street Journal Friday morning and realized what a fool I'd been.

My very life is tied to Pluto's fate.

Like roughly one-12th of the world's population, I'm a Scorpio, born between Oct. 23 and Nov. 21, and Pluto is the ruler of my slice of the heavens.

"Scorpios are the most intense, profound, powerful characters in the zodiac," according to "Even when they appear self-controlled and calm, there is a seething intensity of emotional energy under the placid exterior."

You betcha.

Condoleezza Rice, Tonya Harding, Teddy Roosevelt, Marie Antoinette, Pat Buchanan, Charles Bronson, George Patton, Katherine Hepburn, Indira Gandhi, Ted Turner, Hillary Clinton, Walter Cronkite and Bill Gates are an intense lot indeed, all born under the sign of the Scorpion, all ruled by the planet Pluto.

But if Pluto's not a planet anymore, who's our ruler?

Some asteroid called UB313?

A Scorpio like me savors the descriptions "powerful, passionate, determined, forceful, emotional and intuitive" associated with the sign. And like most Scorpios, I like the reputation of having a dark side. Thanks to Pluto's influence, I don't have to make threats. I merely point out my sign and watch people fall in line.

Who's going to be scared of someone under the influence of UB313?

No one. Not even a Virgo.

Sure, some cooler-headed astrologers around the world say Pluto's status doesn't matter.

British astrologer Russell Grant said he "will continue to use Pluto because he gives me the ability to look into people's charts and see where they're coming from psychologically," according to a Reuters article.

Wall Street astrologer Arch Crawford told a Bloomberg reporter he's sticking by Pluto too.

"What scientists are saying is not going to exclude its effect," he said.

I'd like to believe him, but I'm a Scorpio. I'm not all that trusting.

So I decided to call the only astrologer listed in phone books from MetroWest and Milford. Perhaps she saw this brouhaha coming. She's on vacation until after Labor Day.

While most news outlets went with the "no need to panic" approach, The Wall Street Journal article had something deeply disturbing buried on the jump page. There, way inside the A section, were two Web-based stargazers suggesting we should embrace Ceres as a more compassionate and humanitarian influence, "a maternal energy" if you will.

Scorpios are perfectly capable of compassion if it suits our purposes, thank you very much. We're even capable of being humanitarian. But maternal? No. We have a reputation to protect. We're the sexy sign. Hot-blooded. Hot-tempered.

And after Scorpios get mad, we get even.

Laura Bush is a Scorpio. Surely she could convince her husband this is a mistake of nuclear proportion.

If he's busy with other matters, he could assign Hillary's hubby and Laura's father-in-law to undertake another tag-team ambassadorial tour of duty and force those astronomers into a coalition of the willing to admit they were wrong.

Maybe Condi Rice can come to the defense of her fellow Scorpions. She should be able to finesse Pluto back into power with some sort of behind-the-scenes diplomacy.

And if all else fails, we'll rely on our numbers to reclaim our ruler.

Rise up, Scorpios. We need Pluto and Pluto needs us. Whatever it takes to get us back to our passionate, powerful, dark selves, that's what needs to happen.

Pluto, if that means a pay cut or a little groveling, step up and do the right thing. Just make sure you get your title back.

How about planet emeritus?

That should be enough to make everything right with the universe again.

Bye bye, Pluto.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Different yet Exactly the Same

[Quote of the post] "You know Beyond Borders? It's Kinokuniya." --Jarrel Seah
[Song of the post] Hard for me to say Sorry - Chicago

Everybody's different. You've probably heard that a thousand times before, from Disney, from your teacher, from your parents. Everybody's different, with each of their own specialties, distintive qualities, uniqueness. Not even identical twins are totally congruent. People just... do different things. Life is unfair; some people get more than others.

So why does the world expect otherwise? Why can't you do this; he can! What is the reason for expecting everyone to perform the same task, do the same thing, act the same way? Sometimes it's out of their capabilities; there's nothing you can do about that. If he can do it, so can you! No I can't. I'm not like him. I'm different.

So why do some people want to be like other people? Does it have anything to do with democracy? Where the majority is always "right"? Does it have anything to do with the fact that if you're different, you're the minority, you're "wrong"? That could explain it.

So why do people like comparing? Why confuse yourself with the shades of grey, when there are only two distinct sides? You're good, but not good enough. Can't anybody just be good? Must they be better? Why can't a movie just be great, why must it be better than something else? Why can't this food just be good, why must you say it's not as good as the one I ate before. Can't you just be on one end of the river? It's hard enough without people judging how close you are to the bank.

Same difference.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

After ATC

Wargh, just got back from ATC and it's horrible and my body is aching all over but it's not as horrible as I expected it to be which is nice and we didn't get any scolding or pushups but I'm still really tired and I'm happy I'm home and I get to eat proper food again yay!

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Good Day(s)

[Quote of the post]
Me: "I don't really care about it anymore, sir."
Sir (jokingly): "You're my hero."
[Song of the post] Love Me - Collin Raye / Good Day - The Click Five

If you get there before I do,
Don't wait up for me.
I'll meet you when my camp is through;
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna slow you down,
So please don't wait for me.
And between now and then,
Until I see you again,
I'll be loving you.
Love, Me.

Good Day - The Click Five

I woke up early in my hotel room
Wait for my alarm to go
I think about the things I've gotta do
D*mn my mind is gonna blow

I'm freaking out about what's ahead
Maybe I'll just stay in bed
Cause it's no fun to be the one
Going out of my head
So I tell it to myself again

You're looking for something you can't find
If you give it up you'll lose your mind
There's always something in your way
But what can you say
You're gonna have a good day

I quit my job about a week ago
Told them that I need some time
Now I'm going strong on Lexapro
Doctor says I'm doing fine

I'm freaking out about what's ahead
Maybe I'll just stay in bed
Cause it's no fun to be the one
Going out of my head
So I tell it to myself again

You're looking for something you can't find
If you give it up you'll lose your mind
There's always something in your way
But what can you say
You're gonna have a good day

Just when I thought
I couldn't lose
I realized it's the only thing
I knew

I'm freaking out about what's ahead
Maybe I'll just stay in bed
Cause it's no fun to be the one
Going out of my head
So I tell it to myself
Tell it to myself
Tell it to myself again

You're looking for something you can't find
If you give it up you'll lose your mind
There's always something in the way

You're looking for something you can't find
If you give it up you'll lose your mind
There's always something in your way
But what can you say

You're looking for something you can't find
If you give it up you'll lose your mind
There's always something in your way
But what can you say
You're gonna have a good day
You're gonna have a good day
You're gonna have a good day

Friday, August 11, 2006

The Centre of the Universe

Oh no I'm becoming like Michael Wee. x_x

The Centre of the Universe

But I'm always here, if you want me -
For I am the centre of the universe.

Reading. Another story of joy
And laughter. And I find myself
Not in it.

And then I tell myself, I don't have
To be. "Self-worship kills," says
Mister John Proctor Wong
And I know it must be so.

Like the no-smoking sign
Which boldly proclaims "LOOK HERE"
Like the drunk time-past actor
Getting his name in the tabloids
Like the endangered species of tiger
Crying out for attention

And I much keep reminding myself
That I am NOT the centre of the universe
There are five billion, nine-hundred
ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred ninety
nine other people out there
(give or take a few thousand or so)
And they can have friends
That are not me

That the world revolves around the sun
And though I have a father
I am no bright shining star
To light the path

I hypocrite myself
These verses, all above
Nothing but me, me, me
Myself and Irene
In the centre of the universe

So don't look for me
I will be there
Don't call for me
I will answer
Buy maybe, from a place far away.

But I'm always here, if you want me -
For I am the centre of the universe.

The Centre of the Universe by Paul Durcan

Pushing my trolley about in the supermarket;
I am the centre of the universe;
Up and down the aisles of beans and juices,
I am the centre of the universe;
It does not matter that I live alone;
It does not matter that I am a jilted lover;
It does not matter that I am a misfit in my job;
I am the centre of the universe.

But I'm always here, if you want me -
For I am the centre of the universe.

I enjoy being the centre of the universe.
It is not easy being the centre of the universe
But I enjoy it.
I take pleasure in,
I delight in,
Being the centre of the universe.
At six o'clock a.m. this morning I had a phone call;
It was from a friend, a man in Los Angeles;
"Paul, I don't know what time it is in Dublin
But I simply had to call you:
I cannot stand LA so I thought I'd call you."
I calmed him down as best I could.

But I'm always here, if you want me -
For I am the centre of the universe.

I had barely put the phone down when it rang again,
This time from a friend in Sao Paulo in Brazil:
"Paul - do you know what is the population of Sao Paulo?
I will tell you: it is twelve million skulls.
Twelve million pairs of feet in one footbath.
Twelve million pairs of eyes in one fishbowl.
It is unspeakable, I tell you, unspeakable."
I calmed him down.

But I'm always here, if you want me -
For I am the centre of the universe.

But then when the phone rang a third time and it was not yet 6.30 a.m.,
The petals of my own hysteria began to wake up and unfurl.
This time it was a woman I know in New York City:
"Paul - Ney York City is a Cage",
And she began to cry a little over the phone,
To sob over the phone,
And from five thousand miles away I mopped up her tears.
I dabbed each tear from her cheek
With just a word or two or three from my calm voice.

I'm always here, if you want me -
For I am the centre of the universe.

But now tonight it is myself;
Sitting at my aluminium double-glazed window in Dublin city;
Crying just a little bit into my black tee shirt.
If only there was just one human being out there
With whom I could make a home? Share a home?
Just one creature out there in the night-
Is there not just one creature out there in the night?
In Helsinki, perhaps? Or in Reykjavik?
Or in Chapelizod? or in Malahide?
So you see, I have to calm myself down also
If I am to remain the centre of the universe;
It's by no means an exclusively self-centred automatic thing
Being the centre of the universe.

I'm always here, if you want me -
For I am the centre of the universe.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Bed of Lies

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I am

I don't think that I can take another empty moment
I don't think that I can fake another hollow smile
It's not enough just to be lonely
I don't think that I could take another talk about it

Just like me you got needs
And they're only a whisper away
And we softly surrender
To these lives that we've tendered away

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I'm marking it down to learning
Cause I am

I don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over
I don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong
Where it's not enough just to be sorry
Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in

I tried to be more than me
And I gave till it all went away
And we've only surrendered
To the worst part of these winters that we've made

No I would not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I'm marking it down to learning

I am all that I'll ever be
When you - lay your hands
Over me but don't go weak on me please
I know that it's weak
But God help me I need this

I will not sleep in this bed of lies
So toss me out and turn in
And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes
I'm marking it down to learning
I'm marking it down to learning
cause I am

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Haven! <3

[Song of the post] Bed Haven of Soundtrack Lies - Matchbox Haven Twenty (Youtube Warning!)

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