Saturday, February 04, 2006

I'll be There for You

[Quote of the post] Your prison is walking through this world all alone.
[Song of the post] Desperado - Eagles

Eh... sorry I haven't been blogging for a while. Homework's been piling up so high that I'm afraid it might topple over and wash me away. I haven't even been writing TNN... Sorry if you thought was going to be a OEP post. Those will have to come later when I get back my file and my programme sheet. For now I'm just speaking my feelings again. Sigh.

I'm home an hour early because I had to go for a Campcraft competition briefing. That was a result of the two people who were supposed to go being absent. So I was volunteered to be a replacement. Sounds good, doesn't it? One less hour of UYO, plus no Campcraft training or drills. For most people it would be one of the best things that had ever happened.

Not for me. My body welcomed it; my physical health praised it. But my mind was screaming at me, my heart was hating it... Going all the way to Thomson to attend a briefing for a competition I didn't want to participate in the first place... have teammates which aren't all that... spectacular... having to plan, work, design all by yourself because everyone else slacks...

I swear, life is trying to drag me away from everything that matters to me. Homework cuts off TNN, thinking cuts off my happiness, and school cuts off my friends. You should have seen Juzzie's face when I went to say goodbye to him. He tried to look happy, smiling and all, but I think he was regretting that I had to go, that I wouldn't be a familiar face during the hours of Campcraft training.

There's something else that's cutting me away - myself. My gloomy face and dreary outlook is keeping people away. It's like everything goes in a whirlwind around me and I'm standing there in the middle of it all. Occasionally someone bumps into me, and we chat. But then they're off again, back into the vortex, spinning, whirling... if I try to get closer I may succeed for a while, then the topic changes to something I don't know, and I'm lost again... Know about Darwin's theory of evolution? When a species vanishes, other organisms evolve to take its place. It's happening right here. Gideon has moved out of my class, so I was changing to take his place. My actions, my character... laughing at things only I find funny, answering questions for Lit, being more vocal in class, clapping my hands when I laugh...

Can you be surrounded by friends and still be lonely? I find it hard to talk to people because I don't know the things they know. I know a bit about a lot of things; but I don't know everything about somehting... there's no common topic for long discussion... Demel can talk at length about GG and FF and games and anime and philosohpy with his social circle; Zhang has Japanese and anime and pop music; Boey has his group of friends; gamers, Christians, prefects, St. John's, music, philosophy, math, people who play DotA... I know a bit of each, understand the surface, touch upon slightly, but I don't know enough to understand, debate, converse. I belong everywhere; thus I don't belong anywhere. I'm not accepted, mostly just acknowledged, acquired. I can't even cling onto people I want to cling onto because I know what it's like to have someone cling onto you when you don't want him to.

Am I like Thannappa the postman, mingling with everyone, knowing everyone, an integral part of their lives, yet not crucial, just a friendly face, not belonging to any household but passing through just the same? Russ pointed out that Thannappa was slightly conformist as he went from house to house. Aren't I like that? When I'm talking to someone, some people will come up and tap me on the shoulder repeatedly, not caring about the other person at all. I'd be rude to the person I was talking to if I turned away, yet I'll be rude to the person requesting me because I didn't acknowledge him. And usually when I switch from person to person, the subject changes entirely. I could be talking about quantum metaphysics to the left, and I turn to listen to a lame pun on the right. I don't know if I'm the only one who noticed this, but Thannappa seems to value his friends more that his job. He said it was okay to complain, it was okay if he was dismissed from his job. But I did it to keep you happy. I carry your burden to keep you happy for the longest possible time.

You don't have to read all this. This is as much a diary as it is a public voice. Talking to myself in my head has made me like this; talking to Stripes isn't much better - he listens exceptionally well but he doesn't say anything. OEP memories will probably follow this one, below this post. Those would be happier, since they were happier memories.

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