Close Every Door

[Quote of the post] I wasn't born a fool. It took work to get this way. -Danny Kaye
[Song of the post] Close Every Door - Joseph's Technicolour Dreamcoat

Something's terribly w-wrong with me. Dreadfully wrong. I-I-I can't seem to even- argh, what's going on with me?

They say ignorance is bliss. Whoever they are, they got things going for them. It's quite true, thinking too much seriously takes it out of you.

I try to be happy. Maybe I'm not trying too hard. I try to cheer other people up. A case of the blind leading the blind. I'm listening to more sad and angsty songs these days, not those happy happy ones. Why. I dunno, it's like I'm perpetually morose these days and listening to sad somgs just seems to fit my mood. I don't have that many happy songs anyway. >_>

I know I've got problems. I usually keep them to myself, so I don't burden others. It's not worth it. Even when I do something wrong, I am actually conscious of myself doing that, but it just happens spontanaeously... like my brain is working faster than my consciousness.

I can't really say what I'm thinking of right now. My thoughts are all whirling around in my head... I'm delving too much into human psychology... trying to think about what the other person is thinking of me... I thought words were an outlet for my thoughts, but the bar was raised to pictures, art, and again to movies, motion pictures. Now... it's like I can't write at all...

My entire exsistence seems fueled by the need to live the next day, with that tiny shred of hope lighing the dark corridor of my life. It could be an event, or a thing, in the future that I expect something great to happen... but is that all I'm living for? Hope?

Apparently I've gotten quieter, cutting myself off from the human world. But I've seen the extent of human nature, in my fourteen-year-old life, and I don't like it. It's not like I can change it or anything. Or if anybody even listens.

Right now my mind is a maelstron of thoughts, ideas, concepts... whirling around like a tornado, disorganized, numerous. I need to talk, but can't find anyone to talk to, need someone to hug, but can't find one, need a shoulder to lean on, but everybody's shrugging. Malgudi Days isn't helping - you can't imagine how many main characters contemplate suicide some time or other in the length of five pages.

"What are your strengths, Harry? Play to your strengths."
What are my strengths? Let's see: I'm not athletic, so that means I'm more mentally inclined. That's okay... I'm funny... Ha, you're not funny if nobody around you thinks you're funny... I'm sociable... Ha, you're not sociable if there's nobody around you to be sociable with... Artistic... Ha, artistic! You can't draw for nuts... c-c-creative... you're not creative, you work based on other's ideas... that's not original... I-I-I... I got... FACE IT! You've got nothing... how are you actually going to be a service to the community? All the things you say are your strengths are not!

Plus this ear infection's not getting any better, and now I'm taking 10 antiviral pills a day and I've got to go for some $260-per-session treatment tomorrow... putting stress on my mom, my dad, my bro... have I actually been of help to anyone? Do- do I actually make a difference?

Maybe what I need now is one of those "See what the world was like if I wasn't born" episodes. But of course that never works. Can you have hope, and yet not have it at the same time?

Herr, if you think your post is incoherent, look at mine. >_>

Stay happy, avoid becoming me.