Wednesday, June 22, 2005


[Quote of the post]
You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh. -Jay Leno

Humour is always based on a modicum of truth. Ever heard a joke about a father-in-law? -Dick Clark

Wrinkles only go where smiles have been. -Jimmy Buffett

Wit is the key, I think, to anybody's heart. Show me a person who doesn't like to laugh and I'll show you a person with a toe tag. -Julia Roberts

Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have. -Jerry Sienfield

Thats the key to comedy: allowing yourself to look stupid. -Megan Mullally

If you can find humour in anything, even poverty, you can survive it. -Bill Cosby

Part of what makes us a human being is the imperfections. Like, you wouldn't give a robot my ears. -Will Smith

One doesn't have a sense of humour. It has you. -Larry Gelbart

[Song of the post] Make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh, make em' laugh! -Some old Groucho Marx movie I can't remember

A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days. -Tim Allen

When I eventually met Mr. Right, I didn't know his first name was Always. -Rita Runder

Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think, in a deeper voice. -Bill Cosby

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest. -Roseanne Barr

I always wanted to be the last man on earth, just to see if all those women were lying to me. -Ronnie Shakes

A man in love in incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. -Bob Hope

Money won't buy you friends, but will get you a better class of enemy. -Spike Milligan

Imagine if there were no hypothetical situations. -John Mendoza

I don't consider myself bald. I'm simply taller than my hair. -Thom SHarp

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, and the tallest guy in the National Basketball Association is Chinese. -Chris Rock

This is a strange country we live in. When it comes to electing a president, we get two choices. But when we have to select Miss America, we get 50. -Jay Leno

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. -Fran Lebowitz

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -Groucho Marx

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. -Jeff Valdez

Times fun when you're having flies. -Kermit the Frog

The trouble with the rat race is that even though you win, you're still a rat. -Lily Tomlin

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him how to fish, and you can get rid of him for the weekend. -Zenna Schaffer

It's not that I'm afraid to die; I just don't want to be there when it happens. -Woody Allen

If you haven't got anything good to say about anyone, come sit by me. -Alice Roosevelt Longworth

I have my standards. They may be low, but I have them. -Bette Milder

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. -Mae West

Deep down, I'm pretty superficial. -Ava Gardener

I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time. -Marilyn Monroe

I just recently had my Visa card stole. Now it's everywhere I want to be. -Scott Wood

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. -H. L. Mencken

I drink to make other people interesting. -George Jean Nathan

Have you noticed that everyone drinving faster than you is a lunatic, and everybody driving slower than you is an idiot? -George Carlin

Instant gratification takes too long. -Carrie Fisher

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? -Robin Williams

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places. -Henny Youngman

You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish. -Jerry Seinfield

Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance? -Phyllis Diller

When you're eight years old, nothing is your business. -Lenny Bruce

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. -Dick Cavett

When I was born, I was so surprise I couldn't talk for a year and a half. -Gracie Allen

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you've given birth. -Erma Bombeck

Men who have pierced ears are better suited for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. -Rita Rudner

If God meant us to be naked, he would have made our skin fit better. -Maureen Murphy

If a woman has to chose between catching a baseball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -Dave Barry

The trouble with jogging is that the ice cfalls out of your glass. -Martin Mull

Football combines the two worst features of American life: violence and committee meetings. -George Will

I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out. -Rodney Dangerfield

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually produce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true. -Robert Wilensky

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it. -Sam Levenson

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score? -Vince Lombardi

What's another word for thesaurus? -Steven Wright

If convenience stores are open 365 days a year, 24 hours a day and 7 days a week, why do the doors have locks on them? -Gallagher

In sum...
I really didn't say everything I said. -Yogi Berra

Phew. Haven't blogged for a while. -Uncle Edna

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

"You only know humour when you know how to laugh at yourself. Now, why am I male instead of female?" - Mike Wee