[Quote of the post] No matter how hard I fight I won't get stronger, I get pumped on the road and my hands just bleed x_x –SZ, MSN nickname
[Song of the post]When You Believe – Prince of Egypt Soundtrack
Uniformed Youth Organizations. Why do we do it? Some people like them: Herrick, Darrell, BB people, Mong; but the majority of us does not. So why do we do it?
If I’m not wrong, Dr Ong is emphasizing more and more on UYOs now. Increased budget for NPCC, instillation of importance in NCC (Air)… there’s no doubt about it.
And students only go through with this because they are forced to. The fascinating thing about our meritocratic society is that it is very for the government to get students (and indirectly, parents) to do things which the government wants. “Torturous training? Oh no, it develops character and leadership in our students and trains them to become officers of tomorrow. Oh by the way, did I mention there’ll be CCA points as well?
Another barrier is the discipline system. Another great thing about the crime-prevention system is that it hinges more towards the punishment than the reward method. So students crawl their way through the trainings, knowing that anything they do will probably result in demerit points, and poof goes the chances of CCA points.
And so the students go through it week after week, training after training of drills, push-ups, strenuous activities that are supposed to test your mind and body but in reality waste your time and leave you to die.
No matter how hard I fight I won't get stronger, I get pumped on the road and my hands just bleed. –SZ
I’ll probably never understand the army system until I experience it for real. This cheap substitute in school called UYO, it’s nothing compared to real NS. But more and more of it is creeping into the school system. If I remember correctly, someone in high authority (can’t really remember who) said something along the lines of “Act first, ask later” during one of the morning devotions.
All these organizations are supposed to be, well, organized. But what I hate about all the groups and organizations is their lack of organization. Everyone in a position of power seems to want to waste the time away so they don’t have to do anything. There doesn’t appear to be any sense of doing the duty that was assigned. UYO doesn’t have to start half as early if the NCOs didn’t waste almost 45 minutes for admin. Prefect meetings wouldn’t cut into duty time if the meeting started promptly at the stated time. Half the activities and most of the rules in UYO make no sense. It seems like the army system favours organization to time, because when you’re organized you save time. Not for the case of the individual.
I really liked SZ’s line. I don’t know why, I just do. I'm sick of UYO, I'm sick that we can't do anything about it, I'm sick of losing 4 hours of my life every Friday, and usually more during the rest of the week.
Friday, March 24, 2006
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
If you get there before I do
[Quote of the post] "There is good, and there is evil. But the line between them can be almost impossible to find." -Robin, Teen Titans
[Song of the post] Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton
Life is so fragile. And I'm not talking about the newspaper.
Our school's estate manager just passed away yesterday. The cause of death as of now is still uncertain. He has two kids, still in school. Dr. Ong plans to set up a fund for them. Our IHS teacher said he was a modest, humble, dedicated man. Dr. Ong praised him in the same way.
Life is so fragile.
Coincidentally, I was thinking about death yesterday as well. I was deciding on whether I should use death as a topic for my Chinese project. I was going to ask questions like, What would you feel if your friend suddenly died? What if he was murdered? If he committed suicide? (I finally decided against it because my Chinese teacher may think I'm suicidal and send me for counseling.)
Are you freaked out? I'm freaking myself out. I'm thinking of death way too much. It's not a good sign. I even had a dream ab0ut it. Definitely not good.
What would happen if one of my best friends suddenly... died? I don't think I'll be able to take it. But I fear that I wouldn't remember them for who they were. What would happen if I suddenly just dropped dead? I don't think it'll have major impact on anyone's lives. What if I suddenly just... ceased to exist? What would people remember of me? Would I be remembered as the angsty, sullen, detached teenager, or the cheerful, punny author of TNN? Or as a son, a brother, a friend?
It doesn't matter. After a few months, people would have gotten over it. The deceased would just become a memory. People would get on with their lives, make do without you.
I don't know if a Speaker for the Dead would be a good idea. I admire the concept in all fascination, but I don't know if it will work in real life.
I'm not afriad of many physical things. But I fear many abstract ones, death among them. In all the stories you read, they keep telling you not to fear death. But here I am.
What am I talking about. Even I'm confused now. Whatever it is, don't die on me. Not now. I wouldn't be able to take it.
[Song of the post] Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton
Life is so fragile. And I'm not talking about the newspaper.
Our school's estate manager just passed away yesterday. The cause of death as of now is still uncertain. He has two kids, still in school. Dr. Ong plans to set up a fund for them. Our IHS teacher said he was a modest, humble, dedicated man. Dr. Ong praised him in the same way.
Life is so fragile.
Coincidentally, I was thinking about death yesterday as well. I was deciding on whether I should use death as a topic for my Chinese project. I was going to ask questions like, What would you feel if your friend suddenly died? What if he was murdered? If he committed suicide? (I finally decided against it because my Chinese teacher may think I'm suicidal and send me for counseling.)
Are you freaked out? I'm freaking myself out. I'm thinking of death way too much. It's not a good sign. I even had a dream ab0ut it. Definitely not good.
What would happen if one of my best friends suddenly... died? I don't think I'll be able to take it. But I fear that I wouldn't remember them for who they were. What would happen if I suddenly just dropped dead? I don't think it'll have major impact on anyone's lives. What if I suddenly just... ceased to exist? What would people remember of me? Would I be remembered as the angsty, sullen, detached teenager, or the cheerful, punny author of TNN? Or as a son, a brother, a friend?
It doesn't matter. After a few months, people would have gotten over it. The deceased would just become a memory. People would get on with their lives, make do without you.
I don't know if a Speaker for the Dead would be a good idea. I admire the concept in all fascination, but I don't know if it will work in real life.
I'm not afriad of many physical things. But I fear many abstract ones, death among them. In all the stories you read, they keep telling you not to fear death. But here I am.
What am I talking about. Even I'm confused now. Whatever it is, don't die on me. Not now. I wouldn't be able to take it.
Friday, March 17, 2006
Thank you!
Hey! I think it would be best if I thanked everyone by name! I didn't want to at first because I thought some people might feel left out. But then all the well-wishers and gift-givers wouldn't be given justice. So here's all the birthday stuff I received as of March 17th!
Cake: Zhang Quan, Herrick, Jeremy, Boey, Jason, Daniel, Sufen
Singing birthday song at max volume in public place: Kuang Kai, Joel, Basil, Zhang Quan, Kevin Wong, Jeremy, Boey, Daniel, Michael, Hsieh Wen, Darrell, David Crawshaw
Sharing cake: Kuang Kai, Joel, Basil, Zhang Quan, Kevin Wong, Jeremy, Boey, Daniel, Michael, Hsieh Wen, Darrell, David Crawshaw, Ms Audrey Tay, Ms Ong, Jotham, Hanspreet
Presents: Kevin Wong, Zhang Quan, Boey, Shaun, Jason, Mr Ferdinand Quek
Wishers: Kuang Kai, Joel, Basil, Zhang Quan, Kevin Wong, Jeremy, Boey, Daniel, Michael, Hsieh Wen, Darrell, David Crawshaw, Jarrel, Juztin, Cleon, Jian Xiang, Xi Min, Jun Yi, Gideon, Isaac, Weihua, Sam Teo, Peter, Shaun, Russell, Bryan Ong, Seng Wei, Sufen, Rachel, Jotham, Hanspreet, Ms Audrey Tay, Ms Ong, Mr Ferdinand Quek, practically everyone who went for MEW, and specifically Hern Hern 'cos she contacted me on MSN. XD
Dinner: Mom and Dad
Thanks everyone for making my birthday special!
Cake: Zhang Quan, Herrick, Jeremy, Boey, Jason, Daniel, Sufen
Singing birthday song at max volume in public place: Kuang Kai, Joel, Basil, Zhang Quan, Kevin Wong, Jeremy, Boey, Daniel, Michael, Hsieh Wen, Darrell, David Crawshaw
Sharing cake: Kuang Kai, Joel, Basil, Zhang Quan, Kevin Wong, Jeremy, Boey, Daniel, Michael, Hsieh Wen, Darrell, David Crawshaw, Ms Audrey Tay, Ms Ong, Jotham, Hanspreet
Presents: Kevin Wong, Zhang Quan, Boey, Shaun, Jason, Mr Ferdinand Quek
Wishers: Kuang Kai, Joel, Basil, Zhang Quan, Kevin Wong, Jeremy, Boey, Daniel, Michael, Hsieh Wen, Darrell, David Crawshaw, Jarrel, Juztin, Cleon, Jian Xiang, Xi Min, Jun Yi, Gideon, Isaac, Weihua, Sam Teo, Peter, Shaun, Russell, Bryan Ong, Seng Wei, Sufen, Rachel, Jotham, Hanspreet, Ms Audrey Tay, Ms Ong, Mr Ferdinand Quek, practically everyone who went for MEW, and specifically Hern Hern 'cos she contacted me on MSN. XD
Dinner: Mom and Dad
Thanks everyone for making my birthday special!
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Boing boing boing!
[Quote of the post] I'd do anything
[Song of the post] Happy Birthday Radio
[Site of the post] My Personal Dna Report
Booyah! It’s my birthday! Was, anyway. Sorry this is three days late; I’ve been out most of the nights.
Whee! This is my bestest birthday I’ve had as far as I can remember! Big whooping thanks to everyone who gave me presents, thanks to everyone who chipped in for the cake, and thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday, in advance, belated or otherwise!
I’ve just been so happy ever since Tuesday; I’ve been bouncing all over the place and thinking happy thoughts… It’s nice to confirm that there are people out there who know and care for and appreciate and love me... ^~^
Boing! I’m gonna blog about the entire day so I can remember it forever and ever! Boing!
K, it started out late at night at 12a.m. in school in room 406 in my sleeping bag when I was half-dead from a full day of NCO Camp. Everybody was sleeping, so I just wished myself and rolled over and slept.
In the middle of the night the NCOs gave their first present – Fire Drill. They hammered a big metal cylinder in the middle of the night and we had to rush down four storeys and stand there shivering in the chill night air… first present of the day! Oh yeah, my rifle got stolen in the middle of the night, but that doesn’t count.
Yay, then wake up in the morning at 4:45a.m. for PT! Running and running around and around the track in more freezing night air and more blister-inducing pull-ups! So many presents! I could die from the sheer amount! Almost did too!
Yeah, and Mr Andrew Wong actually gave me a birthday gift without realizing it. He let me go off for MEW! Yay!
WHEE HAPPY THOUGHTS HAPPY THOUGHTS HAPPY THOUGHTS
So I fall asleep in the taxi due to lack of sleep the night before because of fire drill and trying to guard my rifle and 5BX. Then I get to Dunman high! And the taxi driver unwittingly gives me a present; he gives me 10 cents off! I know it’s not much, but hey, HAPPY THOUGHTS!
Yay, so when I get to Dunman, Zhang gives me a present! Yay! And Boey gives me one too, and he did it in the exact same way he gave the chocolates to Long, Haha! I don’t really mind lah… it was funny! Kev gave me a present too!
And so MEW went on, and it was really fun! I knew so quite some people there, and the problems were so much more interesting than the previous year’s. Yeah, but it was fun wandering around and checking out all the groups and the puzzles… Daniel was checking out the group members, but never mind. Yeah, and I volunteered to help out in one of the brainteaser activities! The teacher, I think he’s a cross between Mr Joseph Wong and Simon Cowell. Ms Tay says he’s an ex-ACS boy, so it’s no wonder then. And then there was this genius from Raffles I think, he solved most of the questions in like, 20 seconds? He massively pwned the competition; his group scored 120 points while others only scored like 40 or so. The only problem is that he acts a bit weirdly… okay, very weirdly. But that’s the way geniuses are, I guess.
Then before I left for MEW Zhang suddenly grabbed me in the canteen and started steering me towards the back. It was so sudden and so shocking, I was stunned for a moment. Then he steered me around the corner and there’s like a big cake from who-knows-where-it-came-from! It was really nice, with a yellow cat on the top and cream all over! Zhang said a lot of people chipped in for the cake, so thanks a lot guys! And girl. XD
Then, Kuang and Joel had this crazy idea to sing the birthday song out at the top of their voices! So it was like the whole canteen was echoing with the voices of ACS MEW Sec 3 GEP singing… eeps, I was so embarrassed. Yup, but the cake was really nice – pure chocolate! It was shared out among lots of people, including the teachers and some of my other friends. I was so happy and surprised! I was like, bouncy for the rest of the day!
After that I had to go for NPCC Dry Practice Shooting back in school, and had to miss the MEW concurrent sessions. But after that I was released home! Yay!
After that, my parents brought me out for dinner at the Japanese restaurant across the street. The food was nice, but not my personal favourite, but it was okay lah! I still enjoyed it, and after I got home there was MORE CAKE! It looked quite promising with a full coating of chocolate fudge, but inside there were cherry bits. Oh well. It was still really good! There’s still a bit left in the fridge, and I haven’t been eating it since I haven’t really been home the past few days.
K, then I opened all my presents, and they were really cool! There’s like lots of stuff which I really really like! Thanks KW, Zhang, Boey and Mr Quek, because I only opened your card on that day!
That’s it for my birthday; my 周记 is only going to be until here.
MEW Day 2 was a blast! Meeting at the Esplanade in the morning, having lunch at Burger King, getting sunburn at the Merlion… the Math Trail was really fun! There’s a whole bunch of people I know… it’s so fun being a Station Master! You get to help the teams, give them hints, deny them answers, make jokes… it’s so nice to hear other people laugh! KW was being biased towards his group.
Oh, and there’s the Drink Stall Incident with Basil and Joel which is so funny I think it’s gonna be remembered forever and ever, especially by Michael.
K, so Basil, Joel, Kev and I were are the Merlion, and we were dying of thirst because we ran out of water. The drinks at the Merlion itself cost $1.50 a can and it was too expensive so we sent Basil and Joel to go find cheaper drinks somewhere else. (Sarah bought drinks for her entire team. O_o)
Yeah, so anyway, when they came back, they said they went to some far away place… I can’t remember the exact name, something that starts with a C and has something to do with ocean… Clifford Pier, if I’m not wrong (and I probably am). So they bought their drinks and were leaving when the shopkeeper asked them something.
Shopkeeper: Are you friends?
Basil and Joel: Umm… yeah…
Shopkeeper: Are you boyfriends?
B&J: Umm… no…
Shopkeeper: You know what boyfriends means, right? *wink wink*
O_O
Scary, but hilarious.
Then after we explained the questions we went to Boey’s house for his birthday party two weeks in advance. His actual day is March 30th, but he says that his function room is booked on that day already so he’s bringing it forward. XD Yay, more fun, more laughs, MORE CAKE! And more Pokemon cards; Kev brought his and Russell learnt how to play and it was all so fun!
And today FPS was also really fun! I kept coming up with weird solutions and Daniel kept slamming his head on the table… And Mr Azmi is very interesting! When we went for lunch, he started talking about a whole bunch of random stuff, making puns and weird references… XD He kept saying that everyone had a girlfriend and stuff and basically made us laugh so much! Haha!
It’s been a great three days and HAPPY THOUGHTS so I should be like this for a while more, so…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
[Song of the post] Happy Birthday Radio
[Site of the post] My Personal Dna Report
Booyah! It’s my birthday! Was, anyway. Sorry this is three days late; I’ve been out most of the nights.
Whee! This is my bestest birthday I’ve had as far as I can remember! Big whooping thanks to everyone who gave me presents, thanks to everyone who chipped in for the cake, and thanks to everyone who wished me happy birthday, in advance, belated or otherwise!
I’ve just been so happy ever since Tuesday; I’ve been bouncing all over the place and thinking happy thoughts… It’s nice to confirm that there are people out there who know and care for and appreciate and love me... ^~^
Boing! I’m gonna blog about the entire day so I can remember it forever and ever! Boing!
K, it started out late at night at 12a.m. in school in room 406 in my sleeping bag when I was half-dead from a full day of NCO Camp. Everybody was sleeping, so I just wished myself and rolled over and slept.
In the middle of the night the NCOs gave their first present – Fire Drill. They hammered a big metal cylinder in the middle of the night and we had to rush down four storeys and stand there shivering in the chill night air… first present of the day! Oh yeah, my rifle got stolen in the middle of the night, but that doesn’t count.
Yay, then wake up in the morning at 4:45a.m. for PT! Running and running around and around the track in more freezing night air and more blister-inducing pull-ups! So many presents! I could die from the sheer amount! Almost did too!
Yeah, and Mr Andrew Wong actually gave me a birthday gift without realizing it. He let me go off for MEW! Yay!
WHEE HAPPY THOUGHTS HAPPY THOUGHTS HAPPY THOUGHTS
So I fall asleep in the taxi due to lack of sleep the night before because of fire drill and trying to guard my rifle and 5BX. Then I get to Dunman high! And the taxi driver unwittingly gives me a present; he gives me 10 cents off! I know it’s not much, but hey, HAPPY THOUGHTS!
Yay, so when I get to Dunman, Zhang gives me a present! Yay! And Boey gives me one too, and he did it in the exact same way he gave the chocolates to Long, Haha! I don’t really mind lah… it was funny! Kev gave me a present too!
And so MEW went on, and it was really fun! I knew so quite some people there, and the problems were so much more interesting than the previous year’s. Yeah, but it was fun wandering around and checking out all the groups and the puzzles… Daniel was checking out the group members, but never mind. Yeah, and I volunteered to help out in one of the brainteaser activities! The teacher, I think he’s a cross between Mr Joseph Wong and Simon Cowell. Ms Tay says he’s an ex-ACS boy, so it’s no wonder then. And then there was this genius from Raffles I think, he solved most of the questions in like, 20 seconds? He massively pwned the competition; his group scored 120 points while others only scored like 40 or so. The only problem is that he acts a bit weirdly… okay, very weirdly. But that’s the way geniuses are, I guess.
Then before I left for MEW Zhang suddenly grabbed me in the canteen and started steering me towards the back. It was so sudden and so shocking, I was stunned for a moment. Then he steered me around the corner and there’s like a big cake from who-knows-where-it-came-from! It was really nice, with a yellow cat on the top and cream all over! Zhang said a lot of people chipped in for the cake, so thanks a lot guys! And girl. XD
Then, Kuang and Joel had this crazy idea to sing the birthday song out at the top of their voices! So it was like the whole canteen was echoing with the voices of ACS MEW Sec 3 GEP singing… eeps, I was so embarrassed. Yup, but the cake was really nice – pure chocolate! It was shared out among lots of people, including the teachers and some of my other friends. I was so happy and surprised! I was like, bouncy for the rest of the day!
After that I had to go for NPCC Dry Practice Shooting back in school, and had to miss the MEW concurrent sessions. But after that I was released home! Yay!
After that, my parents brought me out for dinner at the Japanese restaurant across the street. The food was nice, but not my personal favourite, but it was okay lah! I still enjoyed it, and after I got home there was MORE CAKE! It looked quite promising with a full coating of chocolate fudge, but inside there were cherry bits. Oh well. It was still really good! There’s still a bit left in the fridge, and I haven’t been eating it since I haven’t really been home the past few days.
K, then I opened all my presents, and they were really cool! There’s like lots of stuff which I really really like! Thanks KW, Zhang, Boey and Mr Quek, because I only opened your card on that day!
That’s it for my birthday; my 周记 is only going to be until here.
MEW Day 2 was a blast! Meeting at the Esplanade in the morning, having lunch at Burger King, getting sunburn at the Merlion… the Math Trail was really fun! There’s a whole bunch of people I know… it’s so fun being a Station Master! You get to help the teams, give them hints, deny them answers, make jokes… it’s so nice to hear other people laugh! KW was being biased towards his group.
Oh, and there’s the Drink Stall Incident with Basil and Joel which is so funny I think it’s gonna be remembered forever and ever, especially by Michael.
K, so Basil, Joel, Kev and I were are the Merlion, and we were dying of thirst because we ran out of water. The drinks at the Merlion itself cost $1.50 a can and it was too expensive so we sent Basil and Joel to go find cheaper drinks somewhere else. (Sarah bought drinks for her entire team. O_o)
Yeah, so anyway, when they came back, they said they went to some far away place… I can’t remember the exact name, something that starts with a C and has something to do with ocean… Clifford Pier, if I’m not wrong (and I probably am). So they bought their drinks and were leaving when the shopkeeper asked them something.
Shopkeeper: Are you friends?
Basil and Joel: Umm… yeah…
Shopkeeper: Are you boyfriends?
B&J: Umm… no…
Shopkeeper: You know what boyfriends means, right? *wink wink*
O_O
Scary, but hilarious.
Then after we explained the questions we went to Boey’s house for his birthday party two weeks in advance. His actual day is March 30th, but he says that his function room is booked on that day already so he’s bringing it forward. XD Yay, more fun, more laughs, MORE CAKE! And more Pokemon cards; Kev brought his and Russell learnt how to play and it was all so fun!
And today FPS was also really fun! I kept coming up with weird solutions and Daniel kept slamming his head on the table… And Mr Azmi is very interesting! When we went for lunch, he started talking about a whole bunch of random stuff, making puns and weird references… XD He kept saying that everyone had a girlfriend and stuff and basically made us laugh so much! Haha!
It’s been a great three days and HAPPY THOUGHTS so I should be like this for a while more, so…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Sunday, March 12, 2006
I hate you... why oh.
[Quote of the post] I am not saying that we should be cynical. Life is dreary and almost insufferable without a bit of naive fantasizing. But as quickly as we learn that we can't jump out of the window and expect to fly like superman just because we have a blanket for a cape, we should learn that happy endings in real life never look like anything we see in the movies. -Mr. Ferdinand Quek, his email signature.
[Song of the post] I'm Just A Kid - Simple Plan
Read out the title of this post, then it'll make sense.
NPCC Service Day on Friday was another waste of 2 hours. Why? Let me see...
[Song of the post] I'm Just A Kid - Simple Plan
Read out the title of this post, then it'll make sense.
NPCC Service Day on Friday was another waste of 2 hours. Why? Let me see...
- Nobody's home on a Friday afternoon. They're all at work.
- Half the houses have eviction notices on them.
- People think we're bothering them.
- Of the people who actually answer the door, half don't speak English.
- They already know what you're telling them.
What fun. And still NPCC HQ forces people to trample around their school neighbourhood to irritate people on a lazy Friday afternoon. And they make it compulsory. What fun.
I've got NCO camp over the next few days. Luckily I get to miss most of the stuff on my birthday.
I just don't get army logic. It seems to be aiming for order, which brings about efficiency and effectiveness, but most of the time they're wasting time.
Zhang's latest post is vagely angsty. Whee. He seems to be going through the same confusion as me. I don't know; he says that he doesn't blog all his feelings, but as far as I can tell I've got even more confusion than him. Let's put it this way: everywhere areound you you have people telling you not to bottle up your feelings, not to keep it in or you'll explode. Then you go blog about it, and then you have other people telling you that it's a cry for attention. Sigh.
There's a lot more layers to this ogre, but I have to sleep soon and I'm afraid it would be deemed as a cry for attention. So goodnight, and you're welcome to take the fun that I won't be having.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Letter from Prison
Hey old friend,
I haven’t seen you in a long time. How have you been? I missed you. Do you remember me? Sorry I couldn’t write earlier; they didn’t let me have pencil and paper for a long time.
I don’t know why I’m writing this letter. I guess after twenty years of solitary confinement, I’ve had some time to sort out my thoughts a bit.
You’re probably wondering why I’m locked up here in the first place. They say it’s to protect me from myself. I think it was to protect me from other people. My mental health has degraded since I first came. And now I’m more alone than ever.
Did you come to visit? No one has visited me for twenty years. Did they turn you away at the door, telling you that I could not be around human contact for my own safety? I know a few people visited the other prisoners; they never let me see anyone.
How did I become like this? I’m sick of psychoanalyzing myself; it’s what put me here in the first place. There are enough people trying to pry into my mental processes without my help. But I hoped one of my old friends would know.
Do you remember me? I remember you. I have been playing my life through my head over and over again, like a tape, trying to find out where I went wrong. Remember secondary school? We used to talk and laugh and learn together. I tried to talk to you, but our interests were never the same. We could talk, but not in the way the gamers or anime-lovers did.
So I tried to create my own interest group. Remember TNN? It was my pet project. I poured my very being into that story, tried to make it good, tried to make it worthy of being an interest. But still I was at a loss. There was no relationship between the author and the reader. There was nothing to talk about; nothing to say. And it died out soon after when homework – remember the homework? – swamped it over crushed it into little tiny pieces.
I took on a different approach. I tried to improve myself, tried to do better in my studies. We were both in the same school, same class; it could possibly be another “interest group”. I bettered myself, and in doing so, my way of thinking changed. Even then, my plan backfired. Where I scored exceedingly well you did not, and where I failed you succeeded. Everybody’s different. I realize it now.
Do you remember the P.E. lessons? How they made us run 3km around the school? You were always ahead of me, always in the lead. I knew my stamina was not up to scratch, so I resolved to improve myself in that area as well. If I could have something in common with you, then maybe we’d understand each other.
But in doing so I lost track of the fun. My mind was so focused on the goal that I did not stop to take a laugh now and then. I grew sullen as each failure passed. I withdrew myself; I resented communication; I hid myself. So here I am: locked up in solitary for the rest of my life.
I don’t know what made me write this letter. I think I feel better to see it, to have a tangible record of my feelings, rather than to have it whirl around in my head and knocking another drop of happiness out every time it hits home.
You don’t have to reply to this letter. They might not let it through anyway. I just want you to know that I’m sorry for being who I am.
Love,
Uncle Edna
Psychiatric Ward 1E
Singapore Institute of Mental Health
I haven’t seen you in a long time. How have you been? I missed you. Do you remember me? Sorry I couldn’t write earlier; they didn’t let me have pencil and paper for a long time.
I don’t know why I’m writing this letter. I guess after twenty years of solitary confinement, I’ve had some time to sort out my thoughts a bit.
You’re probably wondering why I’m locked up here in the first place. They say it’s to protect me from myself. I think it was to protect me from other people. My mental health has degraded since I first came. And now I’m more alone than ever.
Did you come to visit? No one has visited me for twenty years. Did they turn you away at the door, telling you that I could not be around human contact for my own safety? I know a few people visited the other prisoners; they never let me see anyone.
How did I become like this? I’m sick of psychoanalyzing myself; it’s what put me here in the first place. There are enough people trying to pry into my mental processes without my help. But I hoped one of my old friends would know.
Do you remember me? I remember you. I have been playing my life through my head over and over again, like a tape, trying to find out where I went wrong. Remember secondary school? We used to talk and laugh and learn together. I tried to talk to you, but our interests were never the same. We could talk, but not in the way the gamers or anime-lovers did.
So I tried to create my own interest group. Remember TNN? It was my pet project. I poured my very being into that story, tried to make it good, tried to make it worthy of being an interest. But still I was at a loss. There was no relationship between the author and the reader. There was nothing to talk about; nothing to say. And it died out soon after when homework – remember the homework? – swamped it over crushed it into little tiny pieces.
I took on a different approach. I tried to improve myself, tried to do better in my studies. We were both in the same school, same class; it could possibly be another “interest group”. I bettered myself, and in doing so, my way of thinking changed. Even then, my plan backfired. Where I scored exceedingly well you did not, and where I failed you succeeded. Everybody’s different. I realize it now.
Do you remember the P.E. lessons? How they made us run 3km around the school? You were always ahead of me, always in the lead. I knew my stamina was not up to scratch, so I resolved to improve myself in that area as well. If I could have something in common with you, then maybe we’d understand each other.
But in doing so I lost track of the fun. My mind was so focused on the goal that I did not stop to take a laugh now and then. I grew sullen as each failure passed. I withdrew myself; I resented communication; I hid myself. So here I am: locked up in solitary for the rest of my life.
I don’t know what made me write this letter. I think I feel better to see it, to have a tangible record of my feelings, rather than to have it whirl around in my head and knocking another drop of happiness out every time it hits home.
You don’t have to reply to this letter. They might not let it through anyway. I just want you to know that I’m sorry for being who I am.
Love,
Uncle Edna
Psychiatric Ward 1E
Singapore Institute of Mental Health
Friday, March 03, 2006
Suicide is not an option
[Quote of the post] The ribbon on my wrist says do not open before Christmas.
[Song of the post] You Had a Bad Day - Daniel Powter
I am beginning to have doubts about the value system in my school.
Disclaimer: this post is not meant to spite or flame or degrade my school in any way. I'm just complaining about stuff. Don't bring the Sedation Law down on my neck.
Two things. Firstly, this morning, our principal announces that the board of governors have decided to "use the correct term" for the branding of our school name. Instead of being just "AC", it has to be the full "ACS". "So the Drama Club cannot be called ACDC but ACSDC and the AC Prefectorial Board must be renamed the ACS Prefectorial Board." He gave us two weeks.
First, why does our school have branding. Yes, I know it's an independent school so it can't get government funding. But marketing the name of the school? What's next, merchandising? Get the William Oldham Action Figure - an ACS Inc. Product!
Second, sure, okay, it shouldn't be just AC; it should be ACS. But isn't drastically changing names just to conform to that a bit drastic? I mean, for further references or brand names we use ACS, but can't we just stick with what we have? Which sounds better, ACDC or ACSDC? It totally loses its rhyming scheme. If it's not broken, don't fix it.
On a side note, MPac has to become like, MPacs. Zhang says it sounds plural.
Incident number two. All the NPCC teachers are like, "Come for NPCC Service Day because it is important if we want to be a Gold unit," and "Your Dry Practice is important because if you don't go for your two practices you can't go for your classification shoot and we need a certain percentage to get points for out unit." Okay, so we, as cadets, are coming up for training, just so that NPCC Land can get the Gold award for UOPA. Like WTH? So we are just coming for points. We're just here so that you can get Gold and then next year when the slide comes out with all the UYO awards NPCC Land won't be a Silver.
That's not the point of UYO is it? All this while, I've been living through two years of incomprehensible torture, unexplainable pain, and I keep telling myself that it's for my own good, I'm going for all this because it's for my own good. Then all of a sudden, "You need to come so that we can get Gold." I don't know how to describe it. It's like... I'm not coming so that you can make me a better person, I'm coming so that you can show your face in public, that you are not in charge of a Silver unit.
Sigh.
Anyways. I'm really depressed because there seems to be lots more UYO stuff this year. I've got to miss lessons again and stay until 6 on Monday becauseNP NPCC (must follow school branding rules) Land is in charge of duty for Track and Field heats. Then AGAIN on the finals. I have to miss SL meeting this Friday because of NPCC Service day. This is another brainless time-waster; when I went in Sec 1 and rang people's doorbells, they just ignored us because they thought we were salesmen. Seriously, if you see a bunch of kids outside your house in police uniform, would you let them in to let them tell you about house safety? Ironic, isn't it?
Then there's NCO camp over my birthday. 13th, 14th and 15th. 13th I was going to replace Daniel for the Chinese compo camp thing. BLAM NCO CAMP DRY PRACTICE IS IMPORTANT (refer to above). 14th and 15th I have MEW. BLAM NCO CAMP DRY PRACTICE IS IMPORTANT. Now Daniel has to find another replacement, I possibly have to miss out MEW and have target practice on my birthday.
As Mr Quek says, why are we so multi-talented. There's so many things you have to do, so many pebbles you have to change to golf balls, so much sand you have to change to pebbles, that even the coffee can't be poured in.
I've been working on this post and managing 7 chat convos for about 1 1/2 hours and listening to Jarrel explain some stuff to me and I have totally forgotten about my Chinese homework. Will have to go do it now. OEP blogs tomorrow night. I promise.
[Song of the post] You Had a Bad Day - Daniel Powter
I am beginning to have doubts about the value system in my school.
Disclaimer: this post is not meant to spite or flame or degrade my school in any way. I'm just complaining about stuff. Don't bring the Sedation Law down on my neck.
Two things. Firstly, this morning, our principal announces that the board of governors have decided to "use the correct term" for the branding of our school name. Instead of being just "AC", it has to be the full "ACS". "So the Drama Club cannot be called ACDC but ACSDC and the AC Prefectorial Board must be renamed the ACS Prefectorial Board." He gave us two weeks.
First, why does our school have branding. Yes, I know it's an independent school so it can't get government funding. But marketing the name of the school? What's next, merchandising? Get the William Oldham Action Figure - an ACS Inc. Product!
Second, sure, okay, it shouldn't be just AC; it should be ACS. But isn't drastically changing names just to conform to that a bit drastic? I mean, for further references or brand names we use ACS, but can't we just stick with what we have? Which sounds better, ACDC or ACSDC? It totally loses its rhyming scheme. If it's not broken, don't fix it.
On a side note, MPac has to become like, MPacs. Zhang says it sounds plural.
Incident number two. All the NPCC teachers are like, "Come for NPCC Service Day because it is important if we want to be a Gold unit," and "Your Dry Practice is important because if you don't go for your two practices you can't go for your classification shoot and we need a certain percentage to get points for out unit." Okay, so we, as cadets, are coming up for training, just so that NPCC Land can get the Gold award for UOPA. Like WTH? So we are just coming for points. We're just here so that you can get Gold and then next year when the slide comes out with all the UYO awards NPCC Land won't be a Silver.
That's not the point of UYO is it? All this while, I've been living through two years of incomprehensible torture, unexplainable pain, and I keep telling myself that it's for my own good, I'm going for all this because it's for my own good. Then all of a sudden, "You need to come so that we can get Gold." I don't know how to describe it. It's like... I'm not coming so that you can make me a better person, I'm coming so that you can show your face in public, that you are not in charge of a Silver unit.
Sigh.
Anyways. I'm really depressed because there seems to be lots more UYO stuff this year. I've got to miss lessons again and stay until 6 on Monday because
Then there's NCO camp over my birthday. 13th, 14th and 15th. 13th I was going to replace Daniel for the Chinese compo camp thing. BLAM NCO CAMP DRY PRACTICE IS IMPORTANT (refer to above). 14th and 15th I have MEW. BLAM NCO CAMP DRY PRACTICE IS IMPORTANT. Now Daniel has to find another replacement, I possibly have to miss out MEW and have target practice on my birthday.
As Mr Quek says, why are we so multi-talented. There's so many things you have to do, so many pebbles you have to change to golf balls, so much sand you have to change to pebbles, that even the coffee can't be poured in.
I've been working on this post and managing 7 chat convos for about 1 1/2 hours and listening to Jarrel explain some stuff to me and I have totally forgotten about my Chinese homework. Will have to go do it now. OEP blogs tomorrow night. I promise.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
You Had a Bad Day
[Quote of the post] Is this the me I want to be Is this the me you want me to be
[Song of the post] You Had a Bad Day – Daniel Powter
http://www.minibite.com/heartache/loveaintenough.htm
Now, I don't want to lose you
But I don't want to use you
Just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you
But I don't want to be the one to cry.
And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door.
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.
Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you,
But I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.
And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
There beside you, where I used to lay?
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.
Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.
Oh, Oh, Oh, No
Yay. Another angsty period. Whee. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but oh wells. I cried already (yes, again).
“I think he suffered from mood swings, personally; I’m not a psychiatrist, but – you let me know when I’m rambling!” – B.E.N., Treasure Planet
Everybody changes, though not all for the better. I’m changing. It’s quite obvious. People are remarking it in class. Juzzie says I never used to laugh this way before. Seng Wei asked me today, “How did you laugh before?” Through my laughter, and my actions, people can see the obvious character change. I think I mentioned this before, in a way earlier post. How my behaviour is beginning to reflect some of my friends’. How I shift from one personality type to another while I switch conversation partners.
And Juzzie asked me about my perception that I had no close friends. After thinking a bit, I said it had to do with loyalty; by switching from personality type to personality type, it reflects a very… dishonest character. And by having so many friends, I can’t be loyal to all of them at the same time. I keep switching who I help so much that I become unreliable.
I’m kinda like Iswaran. Yes, I know I’m comparing to Malgudi Days again. But I’ll explain this later. I’m like Iswaran in the beginning of the story, where he acted like a “desperado”, while inside he was nervous and insecure. I try to keep a smile when I’m in school, but when I get home I shrink into a ball and my self-analyses keep tearing me apart.
Obviously I hate this part of me. Obviously you hate it too. But, weirdly, it has come to help me in my studies (I think). I recently scored quite well in a Language Arts essay (you want to know my real marks, you can come look for me). And for almost all the subjects, I’m doing pretty okay. I think all this critical thinking is improving my mental capability, allowing me to write commentaries better, allowing me to see connections that aren’t there, allowing me to understand concepts in a shorter time.
Another way this “poser” behaviour has reflected in real life was this Tuesday, when I helped a Year 1 guy carry his tablet PC upstairs. I don’t know; this is something I originally though Gideon would naturally do, but I did it anyway. Ironically, I met Gid when I was half-way there, and he started stalking me. Yeah.
So is this the real me? The person tries to help but in many ways needs help himself? The person who is surrounded by friends, yet feels lonely? The confused boy who huddles in the corner of his bed and cries himself to sleep?
Dang. It’s all my fault. It’s always my fault.
I don’t want to know so much. Why do I know so much. I know that some people will read this post and go like, “WTH this guy has a wonderful life and all he does is complain.” Demel will probably make some random comment about me being his third test subject. KW and Zhang and Shaun will try to cheer me up. JY will probably make some random comment which has something to do with KW taking over the world. And Gid will just go, “wth jy so random”.
I can’t take it anymore. It feels like I’m gonna cave in (pun not intended) with all this mental degradation and form a gloop. Whoever said Ignorance is Bliss knew what they were talking about. And it doesn’t help when you have Orson Scott Card and Jarrel agreeing that “Humanity does not ask us to be happy… humanity asks us to be brilliant on its behalf, and then happiness if we can manage it.”
Grah.
Anyway, on a happier and more humourous note, my MSN nickname currently has [Stripes Birthday Countdown: 12 Days!] in it. And here’s the responses from all the 3.9 people who have so far asked me about it:
™©®†§‡½¤»Dar: when is stripes birthday?
™©®†§‡½¤»Dar: issnt that the march hols countdown?
KW: Isn't it you who's born in 13 days, not Stripes? XD
Me: Yes...!
Me: But it's not Stripes's Birthday Countdown...!
KW: Then why's it say 'Stripes Birthday Countdown'?
sengwei-{whe: what do u mean by "stripes birthday" o_0
hoblet.blogs: since when did stripes have a birthday.
dannyboy: whose bdae
dannyboy: : urs? Me: Yes Me: Not Stripes's. XD
hitsuhina!<3:>
Lol, I definitely remember more people asking me about this. Oh well. BTW if you’re wondering what’s wrong, it’s not Stripes’s Birthday Countdown. The “’s” makes a whole lot of difference.
On a sadder and more **** note, I have UYO tomorrow. Probably the only unit which is having UYO tomorrow. And it they said it’s going to be games. Which means it’s not going to be fun. Which means four-and-a-half hours of pure time-wasting torture. Blah.
Will blog OEP over the weekend. KW finally took matters into his own hands and brought the entire stack of OEP files from the pigeon hole. Yay! Weekend, I promise. =)
[Song of the post] You Had a Bad Day – Daniel Powter
http://www.minibite.com/heartache/loveaintenough.htm
Now, I don't want to lose you
But I don't want to use you
Just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you
But I don't want to be the one to cry.
And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door.
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.
Now, I could never change you
I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you,
But I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.
It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.
But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.
And there's no way home
When it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
There beside you, where I used to lay?
And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
And it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.
Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.
Oh, Oh, Oh, No
Yay. Another angsty period. Whee. I know I shouldn’t be doing this, but oh wells. I cried already (yes, again).
“I think he suffered from mood swings, personally; I’m not a psychiatrist, but – you let me know when I’m rambling!” – B.E.N., Treasure Planet
Everybody changes, though not all for the better. I’m changing. It’s quite obvious. People are remarking it in class. Juzzie says I never used to laugh this way before. Seng Wei asked me today, “How did you laugh before?” Through my laughter, and my actions, people can see the obvious character change. I think I mentioned this before, in a way earlier post. How my behaviour is beginning to reflect some of my friends’. How I shift from one personality type to another while I switch conversation partners.
And Juzzie asked me about my perception that I had no close friends. After thinking a bit, I said it had to do with loyalty; by switching from personality type to personality type, it reflects a very… dishonest character. And by having so many friends, I can’t be loyal to all of them at the same time. I keep switching who I help so much that I become unreliable.
I’m kinda like Iswaran. Yes, I know I’m comparing to Malgudi Days again. But I’ll explain this later. I’m like Iswaran in the beginning of the story, where he acted like a “desperado”, while inside he was nervous and insecure. I try to keep a smile when I’m in school, but when I get home I shrink into a ball and my self-analyses keep tearing me apart.
Obviously I hate this part of me. Obviously you hate it too. But, weirdly, it has come to help me in my studies (I think). I recently scored quite well in a Language Arts essay (you want to know my real marks, you can come look for me). And for almost all the subjects, I’m doing pretty okay. I think all this critical thinking is improving my mental capability, allowing me to write commentaries better, allowing me to see connections that aren’t there, allowing me to understand concepts in a shorter time.
Another way this “poser” behaviour has reflected in real life was this Tuesday, when I helped a Year 1 guy carry his tablet PC upstairs. I don’t know; this is something I originally though Gideon would naturally do, but I did it anyway. Ironically, I met Gid when I was half-way there, and he started stalking me. Yeah.
So is this the real me? The person tries to help but in many ways needs help himself? The person who is surrounded by friends, yet feels lonely? The confused boy who huddles in the corner of his bed and cries himself to sleep?
Dang. It’s all my fault. It’s always my fault.
I don’t want to know so much. Why do I know so much. I know that some people will read this post and go like, “WTH this guy has a wonderful life and all he does is complain.” Demel will probably make some random comment about me being his third test subject. KW and Zhang and Shaun will try to cheer me up. JY will probably make some random comment which has something to do with KW taking over the world. And Gid will just go, “wth jy so random”.
I can’t take it anymore. It feels like I’m gonna cave in (pun not intended) with all this mental degradation and form a gloop. Whoever said Ignorance is Bliss knew what they were talking about. And it doesn’t help when you have Orson Scott Card and Jarrel agreeing that “Humanity does not ask us to be happy… humanity asks us to be brilliant on its behalf, and then happiness if we can manage it.”
Grah.
Anyway, on a happier and more humourous note, my MSN nickname currently has [Stripes Birthday Countdown: 12 Days!] in it. And here’s the responses from all the 3.9 people who have so far asked me about it:
™©®†§‡½¤»Dar: when is stripes birthday?
™©®†§‡½¤»Dar: issnt that the march hols countdown?
KW: Isn't it you who's born in 13 days, not Stripes? XD
Me: Yes...!
Me: But it's not Stripes's Birthday Countdown...!
KW: Then why's it say 'Stripes Birthday Countdown'?
sengwei-{whe: what do u mean by "stripes birthday" o_0
hoblet.blogs: since when did stripes have a birthday.
dannyboy: whose bdae
dannyboy: : urs? Me: Yes Me: Not Stripes's. XD
hitsuhina!<3:>
Lol, I definitely remember more people asking me about this. Oh well. BTW if you’re wondering what’s wrong, it’s not Stripes’s Birthday Countdown. The “’s” makes a whole lot of difference.
On a sadder and more **** note, I have UYO tomorrow. Probably the only unit which is having UYO tomorrow. And it they said it’s going to be games. Which means it’s not going to be fun. Which means four-and-a-half hours of pure time-wasting torture. Blah.
Will blog OEP over the weekend. KW finally took matters into his own hands and brought the entire stack of OEP files from the pigeon hole. Yay! Weekend, I promise. =)
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