Telling

[Quote of the post] Cleave to no friend when friendship brings sadness.
[Song of the post] Just the Way You Are - Billy Joel

You promised you’d tell.

I know, but–

You promised!

I don’t want to anymore. It’s stupid.

No it’s not! Everybody’s always telling you, speak up, share your burden, it’s better if you let it all out and–

For what? So that they can waste their time thinking about me and my problems and then telling me things I want to hear?

It would be worse if you kept to yourself and made everyone else worry.

That is what everyone says.

Yes. No matter how much you tell them not to worry, they still will. That is because they’re your friends.

I know that they’re my friends, but am I friend to them? Who knows – what – how –

Peace. It seems that we have reached the heart of the matter. Now, calm down, and speak your mind.

…

Well?

Do you know what it’s like, to be… conscious… of everything?

Huh? What do you mean?

I’ve… I’ve mentioned it before. I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like, knowing everything and feeling everything and thinking two million steps ahead and–

Woah, slow down. I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean.

I told you, it’s hard to explain. It’s more like a feeling; a consciousness… the closest analogy I can think of is if you think your spouse is cheating on you…

Hmm…

…but multiplied a thousand times. Every time someone does something, or something happens, my brain kicks in, and it starts thinking, thinking, thinking… What caused this? What’s going to happen next? What will happen if I do this? Will it hurt anyone? I dunno; it is called being over-analytical? I know normal people don’t do this – at least not to the extent which I do – and it doesn’t help that I… I…

Yes?

I wasn’t intending to tell you any of this you know. Maybe I shouldn’t have.

But you have already started; why not finish it?

Sigh… How much do you know about the future?

Not much, why?

Neither do I. And humans naturally fear what they do not know or understand.

So you’re saying you fear the unknown. What has that got to do with anything?

So I try to make things go my own way. I calculate, I plan, and because of the over-consciousness I mentioned earlier, I sorta like… know how it’s going to turn out, how people are going to act or think or feel. It’s stupid and it’s selfish, but it’s what my human instinct does to assure myself that I know what’s going to happen.

I… I see.

And, it’s so… so bad. I mean, I’m running away from my fears instead of confronting it; instead of facing the future I’m tweaking the circumstances so that I’m at least half sure of how it turns out. Why do I care so much? Why do I worry about the future? What can I do to make it stop…?

There is something more, I can tell.

I don’t know; I mean, all this calculation, all this planning, does it not make me cunning, sneaky, sly? If I had taken the wrong path back then, I would be a verydifferent person now! Think about it!

Yet you are not the person you speak of. You are not cunning or sneaky or sly. Calculative, yes, but that could be in a good way.

Yes, I know, but you don’t understand, the only thing keeping it in is my morality, and–

And that is good! Precisely: you have a morality, that is what sets you apart from–

You don’t understand. What if it’s gone? What if, suddenly, one day, my morality disappears? Will these inner demons spring loose? And however thick the morality barrier might be, do you know what it feels like? When you are trying to be good and kind and yet there are these monsters in your soul being suppressed by your willpower and morals… it feels like I’m living a lie! Like what I’m showing isn’t my true self…

You mean you want to have these bad things as your true self?

No…! I don’t… I can’t… they’re just there, and I can’t do anything to get rid of them; I mean, how do I know what to do?

Yet you are suppressing them; that is good enough. Even if those demons were your true self, why would you want to show them to the world?

Because I do not wish to lie! I have done it before; I am paying the consequences now; and I do not wish to do it again. My friends have the right to know; they have the right to know what is underneath, what I am capable of; so that they can make the choice of whether to be around me or not, knowing that I have the potential to hurt them.

But your morality restrains you. Is that not enough?

My will is weak. My soul is weak. If it breaks–

What if it doesn’t? What if you know how to behave properly with your friends?

I have told you: I don’t know. In every situation, in every choice, there are many possible outcomes; I choose to act on the worst possible, just in case.

You will never get far in life that way.

What does my life matter? It is of others, their life, their happiness… I am a volatile explosion of emotions; I would not risk being around people when I exude my sadness aura. If I make other people sad, then there is no reason to be around other people.

Then be happy, and make others happy.

And lie again?

Maybe… maybe you’re thinking too deeply into this whole situation.

No. No I’m very sure I’m not. I’m very sure, because… because…