Skipper Dan

Music Video

Skipper Dan by Weird Al Yankovic

I starred in every high school play
Blew every drama teacher away
I graduated first in my class at Juilliard
Took every acting workshop I could
And I dreamed of Hollywood
While I read my Uta Hagen and studied the Bard

Hit the boards and paid my dues
And got phenomenal rave reviews
I knew the world was gonna love me, without a doubt
I was sure that Tarantino would be callin' me on the phone
Annie Leibovitz would shoot me for Rolling Stone
But the years have come and gone
And I'm sorry to say that's not the way that it's all worked out

I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears
Just like they've done for the last 50 years
Now I'm laughin' at my own jokes but I'm cryin' inside
'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride

Oh, the critics, they used to say
I was the new Olivier
Thought I'd be the toast of Sundance or maybe Cannes
Aw, but don't bother tryin' to IMDb me
The only place you might possibly see me
Is ridin' my little boat around Adventureland
It ain't exactly what I planned

But I'm a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
I would've killed if I'd been in "Speed The Plow"
But what's the difference, that's all behind me now
'Cause I'm payin' the rent and I'm swallowin' my pride
And I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride

I should be there on Broadway
Knockin' 'em dead in "12 Angry Men"
But instead I'm here tellin' these lame jokes
Again and again and again and again and again and again and again

Bengal Tigers can jump over 20 feet!
That's an African bull elephant...
And there it is, the backside of water!
What have I done with my life?!

I shoulda listened when my grandfather said
"Why don't you major in business instead?"
Now my hopes have all vanished and my dreams have all died
And I'll probably work forever as a tour guide on the Jungle Cruise ride
Skipper Dan is the name
And I'm doin' 34 shows every day
And every time it's the same
Look at those hippos, they're wigglin' their ears
Somebody shoot me 'cause I'm bored to tears
Always said I'd be famous... I guess that I lied
'Cause I'm workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride
I'm still workin' on the Jungle Cruise ride

-----

This is a bit of a deviation for Al, who has always been on the more funny side of things. This one is more satirical, more depressing, but still a brilliant piece.

Always said I'd be famous; I guess that I lied,
The Edna Man

Old-School Acting-Performance

Well I just came back from a post-modernist drama performance and I must admit I am quite confused. Call me old school, but I can't get interpretive dance. I have the feeling that if I knew what I was supposed looking out for, I would be able to see it (just like normal literature) but I'm completely in the dark. I guess I kinda liked the last one best, because it actually had some kind of story; but well. Too avant garde for my taste, I guess.

In other news: IOC dammit.
The Edna Man

Happy Anniversary, Armstrong

Hey, so it's the 40th anniversary of man's first step on the moon. How does it feel, that 40 years from now, it's still too expensive to send another man there? Lunar rovers are obviously cheaper at only a few million dollars each.

But they say that the moon is full of minerals, rich for exploitation. We just can't leave anything alone, can we? Five millenia from now, Al Gore's descendants will be pissed off because we mined the moon dry. What then? Will its light mass cause it to have a reduced effect on the tides? Will it drift off into space? Will humanity care?

Anyways, here's to the future of space exploration. Don't screw it up, humanity.
The Edna Man.

Book in Advance

Come on, you know you want to.
The Edna Man

Half-Bloods and Handphones

So I watched the Half-Blood Prince yesterday. It was kind of a let-down, seeing as there was no epic battle scene at the end, which should have been there ANYWAY. It's like they're saving it for Deathly Hallows. And to top it all off, Luna Lovegood didn't get enough screen time. Seriously, Luna is AWESOME. And I don't remember Tonks being so dreary and brunette. She's supposed to have pink hair, dammit.

Anyway, I guess it's not really worth the $10 you pay to watch it on a Friday night, so I guess I got my money's worth from the people you sit with. I have the feeling that we pissed off the other people sitting in the cinema though. But man, it was fun.

Oh yeah, my mom got me a new (free) phone. The number's the same but it's switched to one of those newer 3G SimCards, so they cancelled the line on my old card on Thursday. It goes to show how different/deprived* (delete where appropriate) I am, because when my mom told me I was like, "What? You got me a new phone?" not in that excited, jubilant voice but with that affronted and disappointed tone. So you get my friends' reactions: "Wah, your mom gets you a new phone, still not happy arh?"

I guess I value my old phone very dearly. It's 3G - three generations old, used to be owned by my aunt, who passed it to my mom, who passed it to me. It's old, but not so old as to not have colour images and polyphonic ringtones. I've had it for about five or six years (yes it's THAT old) and it's been working fine for me up till now. You know how you hear those stories of people losing their phone all over the place, or dropping it and it breaks, or it's got weird battery or start-up malfunctions. My phone served me well for one-third of my life, and it's outlived anything my friends have. Or had.

I guess having a communications antique keeps you humble. You've never had anoy of those sexy new iPhones or flashy paper-thin showpieces which might crack if you bend it too much; so you never feel the need to show off. And its antiquity means it is the least likely to be stolen, because who would want it? It's got no camera, so it fits perfectly into the army knapsack, and has never been the subject of controversial discussions about camera-phoning people in public. It was perfect. But the SimCard's been Avada Kedavra-ed, so now it's just a clunky contact-storage device.

Gonna miss you, old pal,
The Edna Man

Readme!

DFtL v3.1 Changelog
1.0 New Features
2.0 Supported Songs

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1.0 New Features
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1.1 Added two-word limit on eponymous backup

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2.0 Supported Songs List
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2.1 Coming soon...


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WATCH THIS SPACE FOR CHANGES
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Movies in Disguise

Woohoo! Today I spend six bucks on awesome computer animation and visual effects. Really, movie critics need to spend a break once in a while and watch something for the pure visuals of it. Besides, you notice that many scenes are ripped from major motion pictures of the past decade (or so). Warning: SPOILER ALERT, though the plot is so thin there's not much to spoil anyway.

Scene: Megatron explodes from beneath the waves, breaking a aircraft carrier into two and it sinks into the depths
Ripped from: Titanic

Scene: A bunch of Decepticon constructions transform and merge into a giant four-legged and anatomically-correct vacuum cleaner.
Ripped from: Power Rangers

Scene: Two new Autobots, hillbilly automobiles with buck teeth.
Ripped from: Cars

Scene: The Tomb of the Primes is lost, hidden deep in a random Egyptian desert. Guess where?
Ripped from: Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

Scene: Bumblebee, containing the heroes, is made to stop in a checkpoint in the middle of the desert. A strangely familiar midget sergeant comes out to greet them.
Ripped from: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Scene: Sam starts seeing runes and symbols as a secret message after he touches the sliver of the Allspark.
Ripped from: The Matrix

Scene: The Fallen is standing on top of the pyramid, and with a wave of his hand, sends the Jordanian helicopters crashing into its rocky sides
Ripped from: Magneto, the X-Men

Scene: Sam dies and goes to robot heaven, where the Primes tell him that the Matrix of Leadership has to be earned (NO, REALLY?), and that he is now worthy of wielding it.
Ripped from: Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone ("find it, but not use it...")

Scene: The Major tries to get rid of his government liason, and tells him that it's time to jump the plane, and gives him a briefing unintelligible over the roar of the wind.
Ripped from: Finding Nemo

But seriously, the transformation scenes are quite teh awesome. I think it was worth it.

I didn't see the giant hands that came in to change them though.
The Edna Man

Famous Last Words

SEE YOU TOMORROW, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF FREEDOM
The Edna Man

Now All I Need is a Mask and a Television Broadcasting Studio

Good evening, Bethesda. Allow me first to apologize for this interruption. I do, like many of you, appreciate the comforts of the classmate, the familiarity of the friend, the association of acquaintance. I enjoy them as much as any Singaporean. But in the spirit of commemoration - whereby those important events of the past, usually associated with a school holiday or the end of some awful bloody examination, are celebrated with a nice outing - I thought we could mark this July the thirteenth, a day that is sadly no longer remembered, by taking some time out of our daily lives to sit down and have a little chat.

There are, of course, those who do not want us to speak. I suspect even now friendships are being shattered, and enmities of hatred being formed. Why? Because while lies may be used in lieu of social interaction, words will always retain their power. Words offer the means to meaning and for those who will listen, the enunciation of truth. And the truth is, there is something terribly wrong with this class, isn't there?

Selfishness and neglect... intolerance and discrimination. And where once you had cohesiveness and solidarity of a second family, you now have cliques and detaching debutantes, rending the relationships and and shattering the class spirit. How did this happen? Who's to blame? Well certainly there are those who are more responsible than others, and they will be held accountable. But again, truth be told... if you're looking for the guilty, you need only look into a mirror.

I know why you did it. I know you were apathetic. Who wouldn't be? Revision. Prejudice. Laziness. There were a myriad of reasons which conspired to occupy your time and prevent your participation. Self-interest got the best of you and in your shallowness, you turned to your cooler acquaintances. They promised you acceptance. They promised you fun. And all they demanded in return was your silent, subliminal disregard.

This afternoon, I sought to end that disdain. This afternoon, I organized a movie outing to remind this class of what it has forgotten. More than six months ago, a certain person wished to embed the class spirit forever in our hearts. His hope was to remind the world that friends, classmates and compatriots are more than acquaintances - they are family. So if you've seen nothing, if the crimes of this study group remain unknown to you, then I would suggest that you allow this thirteenth of July to pass unmarked. But if you see what I see, if you feel as I feel, and if you would seek as I seek... then I ask you to stand beside me, one day from today, outside that movie theatre. And together, we shall give them an end-of-exams celebration that shall never, ever, be forgot!

-----

A humble vaudevillian veteran,
The Edna Man

Dream Sequence #003

Okay, so I just woke up and I had this dream, of which I can only remember half. All I remember was wandering through some spookily-lit shopping mall, with the Joker (again) on the loose somewhere. I vaguely remember walking past Darrell Neo, because I recognized his super-white glasses, and thinking that he (the Joker) must not have been able to catch up since he was behind Darrell and Darrell was on the other side of the site under construction and/or rennovation (in the mall).

Then I bump into one of the other weird villain wannabes, this batty old lady called the Frightler, which is vaguely traumatizing, but she just carries a large blue cardboard box with a bunch of random junk, which isn't quite deadly. So anyway she thinks it's cool to come threaten me, and pokes the corner of the box under my chin like a gun (I remember another lady passing by just hold up her hands in surrender and walking by nonchalantly at this point) and the Frightler introduced herself and made some scathing remarks about her being better than the Joker, etc. etc. She must have been quite insane, no matter what.

Anyway, she mentions something about "What type of idiot goes around with a yo-yo with 'The Joker' printed on it?!" and in that split second you know something is horribly wrong, I spotted the yo-yo in the matted bunch of junk in the box.

So like any self-preserving civilian, I jump to the side as it explodes dramatically, landing behind a row of plastic seats with shrapnel and fire licking the floor all around me. So with my head in my hands and my eyes squinted shut, I hear that familiar Heath Ledger voice who mutters, "One more hapless victim of the Batman," and I feel that hand on my shoulder.

Then I woke up 'cos I needed to pee.
The Edna Man

Lifesaver

All Hail Chemguide!
The Edna Man

Because We Really Need It in the Future

He spotted his colleague hammering away at an early-morning report. "Morning, Rob," he called.

"Hey, Joe," replied Rob, easing back into his chair and greeting his colleague. "Had a good weekend?"

"Can't complain," said Joe, grinning. Sitting down, he set down his mug of coffee onto the desk and glanced around conspiratorially before saying in a low voice, "I won the lottery."

"YOU'RE KIDDING!" Rob exclaimed, while Joe shushed him and glanced around again. "It's nothing, no big deal; it wasn't like the first prize or anything, just one of those smaller draws. But I'm now ten thousand dollars richer!" he hissed excitedly.

"Congratulations, then!" said Rob, shaking his friend by the hand rather vigourously. "Lady Luck must really be smiling down on you!"

"Yeah, I couldn't believe it either," Joe remarked. "Like, what are the chances...?"

There was a split second in which the two men stared at each other, instinctively realizing that they had just done something incredibly stupid.

"Oh my god, did I actually say --"

"You did! Bloody hell, you did! They'll be coming for you, Joe, they'll --"

"I know what they'll do! Just - quick! Get me some paper! We need to solve it before they get here --"

"Oh my god, they're going to get us, they're going to get us --"

"Stop blubbering and help me, dammit! There are 49 numbers to choose from, right? But you only pick six --"

"Do you have a calculator? You need to do combinations, unless you can somehow calculate factorials in your head --"

Just then, the lights cut out and the men were thrown into darkness.

"Oh god, they're here..."

There was a deafening crash as a number of men in dark uniforms and heavy firearms burst in through the window. Fragments of glass showered across the two men now cowering under the desk. Then the door burst open, and more men in uniforms charged in, weapons and voices raised, yelling, "Freeze! Thought Police!" and "Get down! You two, get down!"

One of the men in uniforms threw himself upon Joe and held him down on the ground with his knees. Arms pinned behind his back, the office worker could do nothing but whimper, "I don't know the answer, I just - I wasn't even thinking about it, and it slipped out - it's an figure of speech, dammit! It's something to do with combinations and --"

"Silence!" shouted the man on top of him, and Joe's protestations fell mute. A light flickered on from somewhere, and the room was thrown into a pale florescent glow. Joe spotted three chevrons on the officer's sleeve, above the infamous logo of the dog-eared document with the golden "A+" superimposed on it. It didn't make him feel any better, especially since a dozen gunbarrels were now aimed his direction, laser sights dotting his face and clothes.

"You have the right to be warned that any unauthorized material found in your possession will be taken to mean that they are intended for dishonest use," recited the sergeant, nuzzling the muzzle of his handgun against the back of Joe's head. Joe whimpered.

"Name?" barked the sergeant.

"J-J-Joseph T-Taylor Smith," he stammered.

"Index number?"

"Uh, Nine - oh god - nine, four, t-two, one, s-six."

"And...?"

"Th-that's it!"

"YOU FORGOT ZERO-A!" roared the sergeant. All around him, hands gripped the holsters of their rifles more tightly.

"Z-Zero-A," Joe muttered. He cast his head around as much as possible, hoping for a glance of his colleague. Had Rob managed to escape?

"Stop fidgiting," barked the sergeant, pushing Joe's head back to the floor roughly. "You have a minute to answer this question, and you cannot go to the toilet in the first thirty seconds and the last fifteen seconds of your alloted time."

"Wh-what?"

"For two marks: What is the gravitational field strength experiened by a fifty-kilogramme satellite in geosynchronous orbit around the equator, assuming its centripetal acceleration is nine-point-five-three metres per second squared?"

"I- I don't know!" Joe sobbed. "I did those kind of problems so long ago, and it's not like I need them in my everyday life... I can't remember!" he wailed. "Don't shoot me, please!"

"Time's up," said the sergeant. "You've failed." And he squeezed the trigger.

With a click and a splat, a red "F' spread across Joe's forehead, seeping into his skin like tattoo ink. With that, the men in uniforms started to withdraw. "Have a nice life, Balrog," growled the sergeant as he got up and left with his men.

-----

Woah, I managed to use the word "conspiratorially". A mix of V for Vendetta - whose speeches I have been watching - and College Humour, which combines to form quite a traumatizing picture. I guess it would look better as a video.

YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
The Edna Man

Comedy is Life

You know how you're supposed to take in real life and apply it to what you learn in school? Well, this is real life, and you can't learn it in any school I know.



Eat your heart out, Economics
The Edna Man

It's like 14th March all over again

The area of a triangle is half-a-b-sin-theta or half of the modulus of vector a cross vector b. Look out for differential equations, where dy/dt = dy/dx times dx/dt. Point of inflexion exists where d2y/dx2 = 0 and the sign changes from one side to the other; stationary point means dy/dx = 0 but not the other way around. Don't forget the modulus when converting complex numbers from cartesian form to cis form. r dot n equals p. A singular matrix means that the determinant is zero, and does not have an inverse matrix. Hypergeometric distribution is used for sampling without replacement; N = total number of objects, M = number of successes and n = number of trials. Standard deviation for a sample is the square root of the population variance divide by the size of the sample. Volume of revolution must be multiplied by pi, and f(x) is squared.

Happy Youth Day.
The Edna Man

Memories are Made of This

Thirty years from now, I'll be able to look back on today's Economics Paper 2 and remember that I did it dressed as Michael Jackson.

Dare to be different,
The Edna Man

Quantity over Quality

Talkin' 'bout my g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-generation,
The Edna Man

In All the Unlikely Places

But, I forget! While leaving the bus, I bumped into another person I know, from MGS OM! How pleasantly surprising! This would have to be the first time I have unexpectedly met someone I know while out of my house. Granted, the circumstances were slightly more fortuitous (this is probably the first and only time the bus has trundled by at around MGS dismissal time), but still, nice surprise today.

Everywhere,
The Edna Man

With friends like these

Who needs friends.
The Edna Man